I'm Not a Sensible Woman
I've been thinking a lot about identity lately. Whenever I attend a party, chances are at SOME point I will be introduced to someone I don't know . . . and if we are conversing, and I say something like, "When I was doing x or y during the week--I work from home--this happened." And at the work-from-home prompt (I never offer that I am a novelist), perhaps, or some other cue, the new acquaintance will say, "Oh! You're the WRITER!"
I usually smile and nod. I generally try to run.
Sometimes, I can't. And lately, it seems like I am recognized in public a little more often. HENCE, and I KID YOU NOT, a nurse sticking EKG lines on my naked chest and moving my left breast said, "You know, I've read Diary of a Blues Goddess."
My cardiologist will discuss books with me--my chest isn't naked, but face it, the stethescope goes somewhere. So . . . I go through life as a mom. A house frau [my fave Urban Dictionary descibes that as a "disgruntled housewife"--I'm SO there]. A volunteer. A reader. A knitter. A WRITER, I guess.
So . . . do I NEED to be known as the writer? I have this blog. But you are all little pictures to me. :-) Pictures I love, but pictures nonetheless. You are not seeing me covered in mud, wrestling worms with Demon Baby in my garden.
I am reminded of The Little Prince for the thousandth time. The boa contrictor who swallowed the elephant. The child of COURSE sees the boa. Adults . . . they see a hat. If you don't recall it . . . here it is [one of them refers to adults, and the Drawing is the boa constictor who swallowed the elephant, drawn when the now-adult narrator was a child]:
Whenever I met one of them who seemed to me at all clear-sighted, I tried the experiment of showing him my Drawing Number One, which I have always kept. I would try to find out, so, if this was a person of true understanding. But, whoever it was, he, or she, would always say:
"That is a hat."
Then I would never talk to that person about boa constrictors, or primeval forests, or stars. I would bring myself down to his level. I would talk to him about bridge, and golf, and politics, and neckties. And the grown-up would be greatly pleased to have met such a sensible man.
Why are labels and identity important? I think of myself as a big ball of ME. I'm not sure when I "owned" being a writer. Perhaps because I worked as a book editor, I was comfortable in that word. I don't know. But I don't know that I need to tell grown-ups what it is I do.
In the end, I don't know that it is important to me. My label. I am not a sensible woman.
Thoughts?
36 comments:
I think of "writer" as part of my being, I guess, more so than what I actually do for a living. I could walk away from being a registered nurse in a second, but I can't walk away from being a writer (or a drummer). Those things are part of who I am, even though I'm not making money doing them at the moment.
I couldn't say I was a "writer" until about a decade into my career. It used to drive my wife crazy ... people would ask what I'd do and I'd dissemble like mad. And she'd say, "What is wrong with you? People are interested in what you do. They like to hear about it."
And I was like, "Exactly."
Over time, however, as it become more and more inescapable that I was, indeed, a writer, I've grown more comfortable with it. So now I can say I'm a writer with no problem, but the inevitable follow-up question, "Really? So what do you write?" still sends me around the bend.
Jude:
But in your mind, do you separate "real writer" from "writer"? If so, you are too sensible.
:-)
E
Lurker:
I think THAT question drives me more insane than nearly any other (except "So where do you get your ideas from?"). I can't really SAY what I write. It varies. I write poetry (but don't publish it), I blog, I write freelance magazine pieces, I am about to start a new blog associated with a magazine . . . [haven't announced that one yet]. I write middle-grade. I write comedies. I just find it too complicated to explain.
E
I don't mind saying "I'm a writer" but I detest the "so what do you write response." One memorable response, when she heard I also wrote novels was, "Oh, you're a real writer, then." Now, yeah, I suppose novels do sometimes feel that way, but let's not belittle the stuff that puts food on the table. The process is almost exactly the same.
And I believe I'm totally there when it comes to the boa constrictor and the elephant. I often feel like I'm somewhere outside the mainstream of thought, that talking to people, I almost feel like I'm from a different country (or planet) because I seem to see the world so differently than they do. I don't know if that's because I'm a writer or it's just me, but I tend to think it's because I'm a writer.
Yeah, me too. So I have a standard answer: "Whatever they'll pay me for." It usually ends the conversation.
I find that people aren't nearly so interested in writers as they THINK they are. They like the IDEA of talking to actual writers, but it usually turns out that they don't typically read much (fiction or nonfiction), and the writing process itself is booorrrring. So the conversation quickly collapses under its own awkward weight.
Mark:
I know . . . and yet honestly, of course that's a logical question. But creating . . . it's personal, so I guess it feels weird to have to answer that.
As for feeling different . . . this came up with my friends last week--insider status versus outsider. Do you feel like an outsider? Does it bother you? I said something along the lines of I've been on the fringe for so long, that I am totally cool with it. But I don't feel like anyone else . . . another planet. Sure.
E
Lurker:
I had a 30-minute conversation with a near-stranger recently about books and movies. He was well-read--he had IDEAS for God's sake. I enjoyed it. I agree with you . . . I will try to have a conversation and things/ideas/books/films I sort of assume are touchstones if you like books and film . . . nada. They haven't seen 'em or read 'em. That's like trying to be a film buff without seeing Seven Samurai.
:-)
E
I still tell people I'm a graphic designer. It helps that I've had a few projects recently so I've actually WORKED in that field. If they stick around long enough I'll mention that I'm also writing a novel.
My husband discovered last week why I don't go around telling everyone though. He was at the market and mentioned to the one lady I know that I'm writing a book, and she started telling him all these ideas she has for books. lol.
Erica:
Yeah, for me the validation I would feel from being traditionally published is important in my quest to become a real boy. But more and more I'm coming to realize that that particular form of validation isn't important to everyone. Different strokes, I guess.
I have been following your blog for quite some time (as a writer-wannabe) and this is my first comment.
Speaking of labels, I am a stay-at-home-mom who runs a daycare, does book keeping for a small business, I have written a 'book' about my Mom's family's memories & history and I'm presently working on 2 others, I write several blogs (a personal one that is like a journal; a family one that I 'report' on family events and update them on my memory-collecting-journey; a private daycare blog just for my families that tells/shows them our days here; another one about what I've learned in my years of running a daycare; a friendship one to keep a special group of friends connected; and the ability to write in a ballroom dance blog at the studio I take lessons at (yes, I dance, too)... plus I'm at a crossroads about deciding what to do with my banking career (of 31 years) that I have taken a years leave of absence from, to embark on what fuels my passions and pays the bills.
When someone I don't know asks me what I do for a living, I don't have a label that tells them all of that. So I tell them I run a day care from my home and their eyes glaze over. I wish I had a 'label' sometimes.
I love to write. I write about what is personal to me and what I'm passionate about.
I am in awe of what it takes to be a fictional writer and I find myself coming to your blog regularly to spur me into writing in my own way, in ways that touch the lives around me.
What label do you think I should have??
So you're going to be a problogger now, too? ;-)
Sheesh, I haven't a clue what I am. I usually say, "Uh..." and then Glenn jumps in and tells them I'm a pianist (I usually remind him later that it's been 7 years since I gave a recital and about 3 since I've practiced seriously.), a piano teacher (If you're a teacher, you're FORCED to then talk about how much you love having a job where you get to "play" with kids all day. Uh, no... it's teaching. It's different from kicking back and playing with your kids or your family.), and a writer (I later remind him that we were NOT going to mention that.).
And then he asks me what he should say, and I'm always stumped. If people wouldn't automatically assume I was a visual artist, I'd probably be comfortable saying I was an artist. I don't know how else to lump everything together. That or "cat lady" works just fine, LOL.
That is a great question. I find it's much easier to tell people what I actually make money doing than what I actually identify as part of myself. Often times a new acquaintance will give me the "I heard you're a writer, what do you write?" during a party, and conversation around us HALTS. I mean a noticeable full stop as everyone turns my way. And I say something really ineffectual like "I write for young adults" and everyone sort of glazes over. I have a bunch of friends who think it's unique and interesting that I write and tell EVERYONE I'm a writer, only they have no idea that I have a blog and a website, much less what type of stuff I write. Everyone seems much more impressed with my dayjob - which, sure, is different - but I think of it as more of a way to pay the bills than anything.
Interestingly, or not, when I was at the meeting down in Jacksonville I met a lot of vendors and I was passing out business cards for the new publication and doing a spiel, introducing myself. It goes something like, "Hi, I'm Mark Terry. I'm the editor of The Journal of the AGT." That gets a nod of recognition, because the meeting was for the AGT. Then I would go on and say, "I'm also a freelance writer." Their eyes start to glaze over. Then, "I've recently opened a publishing company." Interest again. "It will publish an e-newsletter aimed at the physician office laboratory." Lot of interest, in most cases. We're talking the same language. Except when we're not, because there was some vendors who didn't give a shit one way or the other, but some that really did.
But I could tell the "freelance writer" thing didn't do much for them.
Labels crack me the hell up. If I could find one for myself that would eliminate the time I spend trying to figure out what I am.
I know who I am, but I always search for words a phrases that sum up things. It puts me at ease. But I have not yet found something that accurately encapsulates me.
Maybe I am un-encapsulatable?
I am sooo stealing LurkerMonkey's "Whatever they'll pay me for."
Melanie:
Oh yeah. There's that reason too.
:-)
E
Jude:
Okay, Pinnochio!
E
Colleen:
I am SO glad you posted. WoW! You multitask more than I do, I think. And that's sort of saying a lot.
:-)
I loathe that "grownups"--those sensible folks--glaze over for stay-at-home moms or for daycare and preschool teachers or whatever it is they disdain or find dull or whatever. EVERY person has gifts and talents and has fascinating elements to them. I, for one, am in AWE of preschool teachers . . . I don't know that I could do it and I think it takes tremendous energy. I have enough problems with ONE kid in preschool. LOL!
I would say . . . dispense with the label. "I have so many interests, and some of them I work at to get paid. Some not. Dance, children, writing . . . I can't list them all. what are YOU interested in?" :-)
E
spy:
I know. I really LIKE artist. A lot. But I feel like everyone assumes visual. Sometimes, I say simply, "I'm a creative free spirit."
E
Celeste:
LOVE your profile picture.
You know, some of this, I think, is really societal. In America, we associate what you get paid to do with who you ARE. I don't usually do that with people.
E
Mark:
I guess it depends on the kind of crowd you hang with. ;-)
E
Amy:
I know. Good line!
E
Shoot, sometimes I think I change labels more often than underwear. Don't worry, folks. I change the latter out of necessity. ;)
Anyway, since I live in a small berg, people already know I don't work a 9 - 5 job, and some ask, "Aren't you bored yet?" So I have to tell them no, and when asked what I do, I tell them I've been writing. And then it gets all yada-yada because they have to know what, where, are you published, etc.
My newest label is college student, but then people have to ask about majors, and "What are you gonna do when you graduate?" I tell them, "Most likely, die." What the hell, I'm 55, do I look like I'm ready to re-join the work force? (Although I do tell them a degree will help if I'm ever a contestant on Jeopardy.)
Sometimes people can't recognize that there are those of us who do things for the sheer joy of it all.
I was at a dinner party last week, and this man was actually going up to people, introducing himself, and saying "I just had my first book published." Everyone else was fighting to talk to him. I don't know why, but it totally turned me off because he was so full of himself. I just said "that's nice" and made an excuse to
leave. I think it's great that you are so talented, hard working, and yet still down to earth.
Kath:
I am aspiring to go back to school, too. I have my degree but want to study something new.
E
Cheryl:
I don't think I need validation. I'm just OK with who I am . . . and I would have the same reaction if someone did that at a party.
E
A part of me is a writer, but it's not WHO I am. Just like I'm black it's makes up a part of me, but it's not WHO I am. Same goes for all the other labels--mother, daughter, student. We all have these little bits of ourselves that makes up the whole.
Sidenote: I read The Diary of a Blue's Goddess--my mother had it buried in her luggage. I think I might have squealed--"I know her. Not know, know, but aware--never mind."
Not sure if I would have mentioned it while touching your breast though.
Melissa:
LOL! Well, the whole topless-while-discussing-my-books thing was new.
I also was stopped in the grocery store looking like a total wreck. Note to self: Consider donning lipstick at all times. ;-)
E
Erica, skip lipstick! You're naturally gorgeous, in fact I think you should aim to look scary when out. It's almost as good as complete anonymity. Go Goth when shopping - YAY GOTHS!!!
Kath:
LOL! Thanks for that! :-) Good suggestion.
E
I was just telling Lurker's blog that I've enjoyed reading yours and his comment section a lot today. :-) Fascinating stuff!
I long ago gave up being identified by what I do for money. It's such a small part of who I am. Today I tell people I write software and children's books. They always, always, ask if I'm published. The software part doesn't phase them or they forget it as soon as the 'writer' concept comes out of my mouth.
Lately, I've just been telling them I blow people up for a living. Get a lot of weird looks for that one.
You could always say, "Yep, I'm the writer. But did you know I also worm wrestle?" I would definitely want to hear more about that.
As a person who is conversationally-impaired, I'd like to offer the possibility that the "What do you do?" question is sometimes just an attempt to have something to say. Maybe you should say whatever you most feel like talking about and not worry too much about locking yourself into an identity. For instance, "Oh, I really enjoy knitting," instead of "I'm a middle school teacher."
Or you could just say you're a middle school teacher. People look at you with a combination of horror and awe, and no one EVER wants to talk about it.
Erica, skip lipstick! You're naturally gorgeous, in fact I think you should aim to look scary when out. It's almost as good as complete anonymity. Go Goth when shopping - YAY GOTHS!!!
There are some comments I wish I had written myself.
Stevie, you have my permission to use that comment wherever so desired. (It'd be cool to see it in your upcoming debut novel...)
You are many things. No contradiction there -- unless you allow for there to be. Keep on being a big ball of YOU! ;-)
(That phrasing made me smile.)
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