The Actuary

Before any cocktail party, I read the riot act to anyone I am going with. "If anyone asks, tell them I am an actuary."

Because, and no offense to real-life actuaries, no one (except a curious writer) asks actuaries very much about their job. Writers are a different story . . . people have LOTS of questions for writers.

You all know those questions. The ones you dread. I used to think that, well, if I met another writer, then that would be cool. We could spend the party talking about books and writing. Well, the last time that happened . . . the other writer got all pretentious and made all sorts of pronouncements about literary fiction and his Great American Novel--which was not yet written but was destined for the Pulitzer. Kind of made me want to to retract my "I'm a writer, too" comment and go back to "I'm an actuary. Now move along."

So here are the questions I hate:

• What is your book about? I hate this one because then I have to trot out my pitch. Sometimes I have perfected it, sometimes I haven't. Now, in the comments section of the last post, I DID say having your pitch perfected for conferences is imperative. But the thing is . . . I don't feel like practicing it for every cocktail party I go to.
• Have I ever heard of you? I have no idea, pal. I have no idea what you read. Obviously, if you are asking me that, then likely not, unless you have some sort of brain injury.
• Where do you come up with all your ideas? I don't know. They come to me. They come to me in the middle of the night, in the shower, in the car, and in this constant and never-ending stream of consciousness/prayer life I have going on. I don't know. I really and truly don't.
• What do you read? Now, ordinarily, I wouldn't mind this one. But watch people's eyes glaze over when you tell them you are working through this at the moment. People think I am weird. That I am a physics groupie and find physicists the sexiest, smartest men on the planet, except for him and him. I often wonder what would happen if I went to a cocktail party with all physicists.
• Are you published? Yes. But I used to hate this one.
• Are you published by a REAL publisher or did you publish it yourself? This is an addendum to the question above it. This is something new in the era of the print-on-demand thing.
• I read your blog. Why did you call your neighbor a jackass? Because he is one.
• And my number-one least favorite: I've got a great idea for a book . . . will you help me write it and we can split the royalties? Sure. You stand here and hold my drink, and I'll be back to discuss it. . . . . Now where are my car keys.

So come on . . . there must be questions you dread! Share . . . .

Phone Home

Kathy pondered here yesterday why do some fave authors seem to "phone it in" (my phrase) after a while. We all know big household names that, after a while, their books just don't hold up anymore. I suppose because they are such big names, we can rattle off a few that I hear this about commonly--Anne Rice (after the first two or three vamp books . . .), James Patterson, fill-in-the-blank.

But household names aren't the only ones that seem to phone it in. I know plenty of mid-list authors with many, many titles and their most loyal fans have given up on them. Why?

I don't have all the answers. But a few thoughts . . . I do notice the new trend of people like Patterson taking on a co-author. The co-author does all the writing, the name guy has the big letters on the cover. I could think of a half-dozen BIG names that now do this. The name thinks of the idea. The lesser-known writer writes it. In Patterson's case, he says he is giving upcoming writers a chance. I would like to take that sentiment at face value, but I know I sometimes wonder. And in Patterson's case, he CAN write. He just now takes on an assistant, if you will.

I do NOT like this trend. True story . . . I was aproached about doing this. Household name. Wanted a ghost. I see household name on Court TV and other shows, and his books aren't well-reviewed. He never COULD write (unlike some others who do this). He just has a name and a career on the front pages. And the ideas. To me, if you are a writer . . . write every word. Anything less is a cop-out. No one can take my idea and craft it the way I would. Some people just use this sort of trend to, basically, either take a check to the bank. Or to stroke their ego. Some it may well be wanting to pull in a friend (or a son, as in Clive Cussler's case.)

Sometimes, there is a disconnect between editor and author. Sometimes, to be honest, in miniseries, it's not the author's idea, but the house's, and sometimes an author can adapt to the storyline, sometimes not. I know plenty of great authors whose miniseries books aren't so great (in fans' opinions). But it's hard to be handed a concept and be told "do it this way." There are story "bibles" for the miniseries, and elements that HAVE to be there. It's a less organic process.

Sometimes, and I have been told this by more than one editor, the author just doesn't stretch his or her wings. They mine the same storyline and insert new characters. The flipside is you can have people like me who write across many genres. This is generally not done, and I know I break convention by doing it, but the simple fact is I have a lot of different interests and I love writing across different genres. However, a fan who likes you in one genre, may loathe you in another.

And therein, is the other aspect. No one, and I promise you no one, sets out to write a "bad book." I suppose some authors we love them so much that we project a little of that love onto them, and when they disappoint, we ourselves feel irritated. I know I have had people actually write to me with the following scenarios: "I loved SPANISH DISCO, but then I bought DIARY OF A BLUES GODDESS and I didn't feel the same way about it." Only to get the next email, "I have never reacted to a book the way I did DIARY OF A BLUES GODDESS. I cried happy tears at the end. I will never forget it. You know, I read SPANISH DISCO and I thought it was okay, so I decided to try this one. WOW! You are really growing as a writer." Or this one, "I bought MAFIA CHIC. You have a lot of nerve passing this off as an Italian family. NO ITALIAN GIRL WOULD EVER talk to her male cousin about sex." (Swear, I got that response!!!!!). Or, "I loved MAFIA CHIC so much. It reminded me of my own big, Italian family exactly. Loved it. Can you write a sequel?"

It's enough to make an author's head spin. But you see what I mean? I didn't "phone in" any of those books . . . BUT . . . when you love a book so much, you project something both onto the book and the author. Sometimes the author lives up to what it is you loved. Sometimes not.

Thoughts?