Synopsis Boot Camp: Day 3
All right . . . has boot camp worn you out? Today you get to PICK your assignment. See how nice your drill sergeant is being?
Same rules . . . post in the comments.
Choice #1: By now you should be 1/3 or more into a synopsis, getting into the flow of your voice, your plot, and hopefully from the boot camp, maybe seeing some areas where you have now improved. You can post the next 3-4 paragraphs of your synopsis for the same sort of feedback as yesterday--only hopefully the comments/changes will be less because of what you've learned.
Choice #2: I call this "The Beast." Every writer runs into a synopsis or query issue where they believe they have distilled a paragraph down to its essentials, but not matter how much they try, they can not "wrangle" a certain plot point so it's not confusing, or "wrangle" how to explain x or y in just a few words. If so, you need professional help. Lucky for you . . . we're in Boot Camp. You can post a particularly beastly paragraph and I will try to walk you through taming it.
Now . . . just so you know . . . once your synopsis is complete, hopefully tomorrow . . . we're going to POLISH these babies. You will cut 10-20% of your word count, and get rid of passive verbs and adjectives and adverbs that just lay there. That will be the most grueling day. Make sure you pack your Gatorade.
You know the drill. See you on the other side.
51 comments:
Every company has a Gomer Pyle. I think I'm it. Here's more:
While waiting to hand Brittney over to big sister and guardian Leitha, Thursday turns to Friday and grows significantly worse. Colt’s Airstream is shot at. He unsuccessfully gives chase, and when he returns, Brittney has disappeared. Maybe she hitchhiked home. When Colt goes there, he finds Leitha brutally tortured and murdered. Colt is horrified, sorrowful, and pissed off! Whoever killed Leitha must have kidnapped Brittney. Colt is determined to find her.
Colt stops at a local watering hole, thinking he might be able to catch some scuttlebutt from the sheriff’s deputies who hang out there. He runs into SWAT team sniper Roy Massengill, who used to drive an equipment bus for Colt’s band. A former Navy SEAL, Massengill has burn scars on his neck from a helicopter accident in the first gulf war. When he and Colt get into a minor tiff, Massengill’s shirt is ripped and Colt gets a glimpse of the finest tattoo he’s ever seen. It’s an angel, wings spread, drawn with such detail it looks as though a photograph was burned onto Massengill’s arm. Colt and Massengill end up getting drunk together, and they leave the bar on friendly terms.
The next morning, Colt traces the car he chased to a company called Rent-A-Gem. When he steps into the office, owner Marcus Sharp is sitting at a desk flanked by two gunmen. Rent-A-Gem, it seems, is actually a front for a car theft ring. Colt is knocked unconscious, gagged and bound, and taken to a remote location for a staged suicide. But, “on orders from his superiors,” Roy Massengill has been following Colt, and rescues him from certain death.
One of the men from Rent-A-Gem is apprehended, and Colt briefly gets a shot at interrogating him. Tony Beeler’s lips are sealed, but in an angry outburst he says Colt should have died in the plane crash with the others. Then, mysteriously, he says, “Pocket forty-seven.” How does Beeler know anything about anything? Colt doesn’t know; but, when he Googles Pocket-47, he learns that one of the connotations is sabotage. Colt doesn’t know how or why anyone could have intentionally caused his band’s plane to crash. He starts thinking hard about how to find the answers to those questions.
Depression era--skipping 1st paragraph.
Harvey enlisted the help of an eighty-three year old aunt and moved the family to Charlottesville while he traveled with his job. His fourteen year old son decided to help the family income by returning to moonshining and took the idea of shooting revenoors a little too seriously.
Harvey needed money for a lawyer, fast. He sold the hand carved mantle that was a family heirloom and took a job as a bouncer. The federal agent lived. The lawyer came through and it seemed all was well.
Harvey was very talented with a knife whether he was throwing it from fifty feet away or carving intricate mountain scenes. Glen however was too smart for his britches and he had discovered a talent with poker and a thirst for racing cars.
Erica,
A question before I begin -- a synopsis is not supposed to leave anything to surprise, right? All the spoilers out in the open? All?
This is really my first go at this.
Thanks,
Amy
Jude:
All right, Gomer . . . here we go:
While waiting to hand Brittney over to big sister and guardian Leitha, Thursday turns to Friday and grows significantly worse. Colt’s Airstream is shot at. He unsuccessfully gives chase, and when he returns, Brittney has disappeared. Maybe she hitchhiked home. [CLUNKY sentence] When Colt goes there ["goes there" forces us out of the current sentence to the previous sentence to make sure we get the flow. These two can be reworked. Something simple like, "Thinking she may have hitchhiked home, he drives to Leitha Ryan's house, only to find her . . ." pick up at "brutally], he finds Leitha brutally tortured and murdered. Colt is horrified, sorrowful, and pissed off! [Do we need "horrified and sorrowful and so on? Wouldn't that be obvious? He's not going to be HAPPY] Whoever killed Leitha must have kidnapped Brittney. [This assumption is not logical. Why would that be so. How did he arrive at she's kidnapped and not simply taken off as a runaway again] Colt is determined to find her.
Colt stops at a local watering hole, thinking he might be able to catch some scuttlebutt [don;t like this word] from the sheriff’s deputies who hang out there. He runs into SWAT team sniper Roy Massengill, who used to drive an equipment bus for Colt’s band. A former Navy SEAL, Massengill has burn scars on his neck from a helicopter accident in the first gulf war. When he and Colt get into a minor tiff, Massengill’s shirt is ripped and Colt gets a glimpse of the finest tattoo he’s ever seen. It’s an angel, wings spread, drawn with such detail it looks as though a photograph was burned onto Massengill’s arm. Colt and Massengill end up getting drunk together, and they leave the bar on friendly terms. [I think this whole paragraph has too much of a gap . . . i.e., when he discovers Leitha tortured did he call the cops? Is he detained? Questioned? Does he just leave? Without knowing that, then looking for gossip at a watering hole doesn't make motivational sense to me at all.]
The next morning, Colt traces the car he chased to a company called Rent-A-Gem. When he steps into the office, owner Marcus Sharp is sitting at a desk flanked by two gunmen. Rent-A-Gem, it seems, is actually a front for a car theft ring. Colt is knocked unconscious, gagged and bound, and taken to a remote location for a staged suicide. [Again . . . not seeing the logical progression from A to B. Why would gunmen indicate a car theft ring and not that he's a front for drugs or something? Why would a location actually HAVE gunmen in plain sight? Is it remote? Otherwise, they'd be killing people left and right who wandered in to rent a car. Why a staged suicide? Do they know who he is? Do they have something to do with the kidnapping? At this point, the synopsis seems to have veered to territory where YOU know the case, but the reader of the synopsis does not and you are not providing enough details to make this logical. In addition, in the last paragraph and this one, you have lost the "Colt voice" that weas present in the beginning of your synopsis and it has turned into a recitation of events.] But, “on orders from his superiors,” Roy Massengill has been following Colt, and rescues him from certain death.
One of the men from Rent-A-Gem is apprehended, and Colt briefly gets a shot at interrogating him. Tony Beeler’s lips are sealed, but in an angry outburst he says Colt should have died in the plane crash with the others. Then, mysteriously, he says, “Pocket forty-seven.” How does Beeler know anything about anything? Colt doesn’t know; but, when he Googles Pocket-47, he learns that one of the connotations is sabotage. Colt doesn’t know how or why anyone could have intentionally caused his band’s plane to crash. He starts thinking hard about how to find the answers to those questions.
*****
I can't critique that last paragraph without what comes before it being more logical and linked to the plot at hand. I don't know, Jude . . . tough one.
Amy:
I put surprises in mine. It depends. I don't always reveal the ending, sometimes I leave some things unsaid. An occasional rhetorical question. My own editor at RDI says she sees synopses handled both ways. In Magickeepers, I do not reveal in my synopsis precisely how Kolya gets out of the mess he's in, or even what happens to Rasputin or the Grand Duchess. I stick to the central character and his journey . . . and know there's room for all the other threads to be revealed in the actual book.
E
Hi Richmond:
What you posted today is tough to critique. (1) . . . it's got to go into present tense, I think, and (2) I am not 100% following the flow from the crippled president to this section . . . so I think you have to fill in some gaps and weave your story a bit more. Let us see some flavor of the era/voice, too.
E
I can see I have lots of work to do. I'll get right on it, Sergeant Carter. :)
Erica, I also have a question. I just finished adding a subplot (the sister) and I'm not sure how to add that into the synopsis. The paragraphs I've already posted have already moved past the sister's initial chapters, but I'm a little befuddled on how to insert her story.
Can I do a "Meanwhile..." even if it means it's not completely chronological?
Thanks
Melanie:
I use "meanwhile" to "show" a subplot occurring simultaneously. Also, unless the two plots intersect, it's entirely possible to not show a subplot at all, choosing instead to stick to the main character. I think when I did the proposal for "Do They Wear High Heels in Heaven," I relegated Michael's love affair with George to a sidenote, a paragraph, concentrating on the friendship between Lily and Michael, and her cancer and children issues . . . because that was really the centerpiece of the book.
E
The plots only physically intersect at the beginning and end, but the action in the subplot is tied in directly to the MC (she's trying to get money to pay for the coyote).
I've included her to show the life of an illegal while the MC is trying to become an illegal -- a way to demonstrate that he really doesn't know what he's getting himself into -- and that's something agents might want to know.
Ok, I'll work it in as best I can.
Jude, I think Erica gave you good advice for your paragraphs, but I need to tell you one thing. I realize I'm 34 years old, but I sometimes have the mentality of a teenaged boy and I giggled every time I read Massengill. I'm assuming you don't want that effect, so maybe you want to consider a tweak to his last name.
Erica, prompted by Gomer's entry, I have a question. In his second paragraph, he brings in Roy Massengill. Is it important to mention that Roy is a former Seal, as well as mentioning the scars on his neck?
Just something I picked up in another synopsis workshop. The instructor indicated that unless description plays strongly toward the plot, adding it is sort of banal to the synopsis.
Kath:
The tattoo plays into the plot . . . as does the scar (though I can't be positive since I read an earlier incarnation). Otherwise, yeah . . . you're right.
And I totally agree with Melanie on the name, LOL! I kind of forgot about that.
E
(posted without spoilers)
More and more Tracy opens her home to Nicole, sharing family recipes, parenting tips, funny stories about her ex, her kids hand-me-downs and a page in the family photo album. Tracy convinces everyone – and herself -- it’s just another kind of normal. Nicole offers to babysit so Tracy can consider dating. Tracy and her kids believe that families come in different packages. Tracy accepts the job she always wanted and teaches Nicole to think of not just her baby, but herself. Then Tracy uncovers Nicole’s hidden agenda.
Angry at herself for trusting Nicole, Tracy strikes back, garnering forces stronger than lawyers and insurance agents – the moms of her subdivision. It leaves Nicole right where she started – on the wrong side of the picket fence. Nicole begs Tracy for the chance to make things right. Tracy commits to keeping up her guard and forgets her resolve to forgive, until one of her best friends reveals a secret of her own that changes Tracy’s view of life as she knows it.
Tracy and Nicole rebuild a friendship. Tracy thrives at her new job and believes she might even have a date with a colleague. Her kids cling to memories of their dad but smile instead of cry. Nicole and the baby still come over every Sunday but it’s not Widow Day, it’s Family Day.
Life is on track until Tracy spots Nicole at her job, talking to the colleague Tracy ‘likes’. Tracy feels like a fool. She is finished with Nicole and with dating. Her kids are happy and healthy, she has a good job and good friends. Why wasn’t that enough?
Thanks, E!
And Melanie, too funny! I thought the same thing, but I'm old...
Hi Erica,
I'm just copy pasting the edit from yesterday into an open doc to retool with - but thank you sooo much, both for the crit and all the great support :-)
So I can leave the ending out? The last bit gets to the climax and is all this excitement and then I feel like just telling the ending - well it just doesn't work for me, it's like a letdown or something... can I try to leave it hang at the end like I would in jacket copy? (I have a serious elipses problem... I wonder if there's a support group for that).
Richmond Writer,
I love depression era literature, so you had my interest off the bat. And I love the ideas in the rest of your synopsis, but I'd like to see it with more of the characters' voice.
Amy,
I want to know what Nicole's hidden agenda was - maybe that was one of the spoilers, but I feel like I could get more into the characters if I knew a little more detail. I also want to see more of your humor in the synopsis, because I have a feeling there's a lot of humor woven into the more meaty themes, and I think it would work well in the synopsis.
You guys, I chose that name precisely for that reason, LOL. You see, he turns out to be an "aptly-named disposable douchebag of a human being."
It's my understanding that when an agent or editor reads a synopsis they expect the entire story. Along with everything else, they want to know how well you handled the ending.
That said, I don't think anyone should post everything here on the internet, because of spoilers.
Jude, excellent point. I've also heard the synopsis should be complete, but not posting it here makes sense.
I agree, which is why I didn't post the spoilers in mine. But then how will we know if we're nailing it?
Sorry to go off WAY topic, but on Earth Day, I've posted a piece called the Death of Literature.*
It's a call to writers, artists and artisans. Please read it if you have a chance, and pass it on.
http://one-blue-marble.com/blog/?p=384
_________________
* I write about environmental issues for business... The horrific scenarios that I write about in this post are supported by hundreds of scientific studies.
What is it about posting that makes you instantly see errors? :)
Here are my next four paragraphs:
If the whispers from the men at the bar didn't scare him, the hatred in Enrique's eyes certainly did. He overhears Enrique ordering Rafa around, watches him try to sell young teenage girls to the club owner, then briefly comes face to face with the man himself. He begins to question how smart it was to put his life in the hands of a man who trades people for a living, but he's come too far to turn back now.
Meanwhile, Mateo's sister Claudia is scrambling to get the money to pay the coyote. She crossed two years ago but hasn't told her family about her "new life" – working for minimum wage, enduring a boyfriend who treats her like a slave, and living in constant fear of being sent back to the home she thought she left for good. She must borrow money from everyone she knows, as well as one man that she doesn't. He makes it clear that if she doesn't pay him back in a week, she'll be forced to work off her debt in other, illicit, ways.
In Tecate, Mateo takes up Rafa's offer to sleep in the back of the club, but when he joins a group of men at Enrique's desert ranch, he's shocked to see Rafa standing among the armed guards. Another group of migrants arrive at the ranch, including two men from the holding cell: Rico, the beefy gangster Mateo suspects stabbed him in the desert, and Alejandro, the old man who knocked Rico out cold. Alejandro seems hellbent on sticking by Mateo's side, but Mateo is too worried about Enrique to give much thought to Alejandro's intentions.
Mateo doesn't realize that a corrupt military officer has infiltrated the coyote's smuggling ring until he's already locked in the trunk of a car and headed for the border. When the Federalies thwart the crossing, Mateo is forced to rely on Alejandro, who seems to know more about the men pursuing them than he's letting on, if he has any hope of escaping. As they race through the desert, Mateo learns the truth about Alejandro: he's a former military officer on the run from the corrupt officer he put in jail years ago. Rafa, the friendly bartender who was so helpful to Mateo, is actually the military officer hired to track down Alejandro. And Enrique is still out there, hunting them and the money they promised him.
Melanie,
It's a great story! My suggestion again is to tighten the hell out of it. As for adding subplots, I felt drawn away from Mateo reading about his sister. If you have the time and energy to try it just eluding to her - if that appeals to you - you might find it flows faster. In a manuscript I think she will be fascinating, and I know you want the agents to see that, but I think Mateo is strong enough to carry it on his own for the most part.
OK, Melanie - your comment with your synopsis continuation is gone. Thanks to you now I appear to be a psychic! :)
OK, there is it. WHEW!!
Computer glitch = Amy needs coffee.
Amy:
Yeah . . . I think we have to know her agenda.
And, as Merry said, right now, it's unspooling as "first this, then this, then this" and very cut and dry. We need some seasoning.
E
Jude et al . . .
It depends on your definition of "everything." All you are doing is telling a story, providing hints of voice, that with a query and the first few chapters will entice someone to read on. Funny . . . as I was doing this, I did a search for synopsis online, just to see what others have suggested. Nathan B's advocates three pages. So . . . there is a wide degree of latitude for spoilers and for a little vagueness. I have actually had things bought on proposal where I have been up front and said, "I'm not sure how it ends" because I wasn't flat-out positive.
E
melanie:
Sounds action-packed!!!!! Wow! And I agree with Amy. I might try it without the sister, because as a subplot, it undoubtedly works . . . but right now, it's very heart-pounding and fast reading about only Mateo.
E
Not much time today, but here's the next 4 grafs. I'll be back later tonight to see what's what. This is a harder section for me because this is when the main arc of my story morphed into something completely different. Lots of great karma building for you, E!
Practice in the country improves his vampire skills. Two weeks of this homework, and Tommy heads back to school. The last of his money bought train tickets for a couple of orphans, so he’s flying back and packing on a bit of muscle, too. His improvement is noticeable and Tommy gets upgraded to be in class with kids his own age, including his new friend Greg. Then he learns the truth about the feud between Garth and Gwen. Tommy can repair the damage, but he might find out Gwen doesn’t care about him and has only been using him to get back at Garth. He decides to force a meeting between them with the truth out in the open. Gwen disappears from Tommy’s radar and Garth is grudgingly grateful.
Not long after that, Tommy’s trapped in the kitchen pantry by seven of the human hunters and Greg is with them. Garth shows up, too, claiming that Tommy’s math lessons don’t make sense as he believes one plus one is much greater than seven. A belligerent Gigi says that Garth hates Tommy, but Garth hates all rule breakers and that includes human hunters. Before a fight can start, George and his entourage of seven and eight-year-olds swarm the pantry, forcing Garth and the human hunters out. George tells Tommy to not be so hard to find the next time he needs rescued.
An unexpected holiday – Bram Stoker’s Birthday – sends Tommy home with questions that his mother avoids answering. He trudges off to help his dad in their restaurant and is surprised to find one of the orphans, Emeline, working there, and what might be human blood in the walk-in refrigerator. But the holiday is short and a frustrated Tommy returns to school with even more questions.
He steels himself to be in flying class with Greg, then realizes he doesn’t know what Greg looks like as a bat. Any of the bats swooping at him might be this new enemy. His poor performance is noticed by the teacher, but Tommy’s more concerned about what else he doesn’t know that young vampires take for granted. Dinner in the blood feast room changes, too, when a statue of Cruorius, the blood bearer, replaces the usual furry feast. Tommy learns that all vampire birthdays are in January and the statue pouring blood from a pitcher will be in the blood feast room every Friday for the next two months leading up to a big birthday bash and the end of the school year.
Amy, lol. :) You ARE psychic! Thanks for the suggestion about just adding her in bits and pieces. I know we don't need to say everything here, but it's figuring out that fine line that I find difficult. I'm already worried about the things I've chosen to omit.
(btw Amy, I also want to know what Nicole does that's so bad.)
Erica, I'll see if I can tighten it, work Claudia into another paragraph, and add the next one.
Tracy opens her home to Nicole. She shares family recipes, parenting tips, funny stories about her ex, her kids’ hand-me-downs and a page in the family photo album. Tracy convinces everyone – and herself -- it’s just another kind of normal. Tracy’s head spins when Nicole offers to babysit. Will Tracy allow her ex-husband’s widow to look after her children? Will something she hated in the past be just what she needs? In a way, yes. With time to herself Tracy uncovers Nicole’s hidden agenda. Nicole doesn’t want a family, she wants a padded wallet. She files a petition to get the life insurance money left to Tracy and the kids.
Tracy is angry at herself for trusting Nicole. She questions her own judgment, parenting skills and a lifetime of choices . She strikes out at Nicole with forces stronger than lawyers and insurance agents – a horde of Donald Pliner-wearing moms wielding iPhones. Nicole lands right where she started – on the wrong side of the picket fence. Nicole begs Tracy for the chance to make things right. Tracy keeps up her guard and forgets her resolve to forgive. Then one of Tracy’s best friends reveals a secret, changing Tracy’s perception of truth, friendship and love. Tracy now stores the past on a shelf and leaves it there.
Tracy and Nicole rebuild their friendship. Tracy starts a job she always wanted and dates a colleague, Alexander. Tracy’s kids cling to memories but smile instead of cry and sleep through the night without terrors or nausea. Tracy gets out of her fashion funk – no more Crocs for Tracy! She takes Nicole under her wing, teaching her to think of herself and plan for her own future. Nicole and the baby visit every Sunday but it’s not Widow Day, it’s Family Day.
Life is on track until Tracy spots Nicole laughing with Alexander who is holding the baby. Tracy feels like a fool. She is finished with Nicole and with dating. Her kids are happy and healthy, she has a good job and good friends. Should that have been enough?
How do you manage to do these things before you've written the story? I'm still trying to figure out what my story is about! I had a beast, but as I thought more, the sentence that caused the beastliness wouldn't work within my other world rules, not logically. So I'm again stuck without a plot yet, LOL.
I thought of another question:
Can anyone help me figure out what genre my MS is? I don't think it's a thriller because it's not thrilling enough, but I don't think it qualifies for literary either. Any suggestions?
Sarah:
Off we go (and I could use all the good karma I can get):
Practice in the country improves his vampire skills. Two weeks of this homework, and Tommy heads back to school. The last of his money bought train tickets for a couple of orphans, so he’s flying back and packing on a bit of muscle, too. His improvement is noticeable and Tommy gets upgraded to be in class with kids his own age, including his new friend Greg. Then he learns the truth about the feud between Garth and Gwen. Tommy can repair the damage, but he might find out Gwen doesn’t care about him and has only been using him to get back at Garth. He decides to force a meeting between them with the truth out in the open. Gwen disappears from Tommy’s radar and Garth is grudgingly grateful.
Not long after that, Tommy’s trapped in the kitchen pantry by seven of the human hunters and Greg is with them. Garth shows up, too, claiming that Tommy’s math lessons don’t make sense as he believes one plus one is much greater than seven. A belligerent Gigi [do we know Gigi?] says that Garth hates Tommy, but Garth hates all rule breakers and that includes human hunters. Before a fight can start, George and his entourage of seven[-] and eight-year-olds swarm the pantry, forcing Garth and the human hunters out. George tells Tommy to not be so hard to find the next time he needs rescued. [This is a charming rescue, but perhaps earlier in the synopsis develop the relationship between Tommy and George in as little as one or two more sentences--a big brother/kid brother affection? Is Tommy an only child? This will make this rescue more comical and endearing . . . did the class of 7-year-olds like him? Also . . . were there NO concequences from running away from school for two weeks???? Seems like a gap]
An unexpected holiday – Bram Stoker’s Birthday {LOL!] – sends Tommy home with questions that his mother avoids answering. He trudges off to help his dad in their restaurant and is surprised to find one of the orphans, Emeline, working there, and what might be human blood in the walk-in refrigerator. But the holiday is short and a frustrated Tommy returns to school with even more questions.
He steels himself to be in flying class with Greg, then realizes he doesn’t know what Greg looks like as a bat. Any of the bats swooping at him might be this new enemy. His poor performance is noticed by the teacher, but Tommy’s more concerned about what else he doesn’t know that young vampires take for granted. Dinner in the blood feast room changes, too, when a statue of Cruorius, the blood bearer, replaces the usual furry feast. Tommy learns that all vampire birthdays are in January and the statue pouring blood from a pitcher will be in the blood feast room every Friday for the next two months leading up to a big birthday bash and the end of the school year.
****
This is really rolling now. My main question after reading it in its entirety concerns the orphans/train/two week absence. This is more my editor hat--and not your synopsis editor hat--but you establish a book set in a boarding school, and then immediately have him leave it twice--could he not go home for the holiday and then run away? Or somehow combine events? Buying train fare for orphans . . . too . . . I'm trying to get a handle on the world. Is it today? Real? With vampires among us? Or is this a whole different world where children travel alone and orphans need train tickets? It may not be important, but I just raise the curiosity more than anything.
E
melanie:
Literary suspense?
E
Erica:
My comment was mostly for those of us who haven't sold anything yet. I would imagine the parameters are a little more relaxed for someone with a solid track record.
Jude:
I hear you--they don't want to waste their time with something that obviously has a plot hole or veers. By the same token, I just want to be clear that "everything" doesn't mean tying up every subplot and detail in the synopsis. There just isn't room. Definitely Google Nathan B. + Synopsis.
E
Ah. Absolutely. I meant that it's probably going to be important to include the ending, along with "everything" else (not literally everything, but everything else that's...included. :)
I'm not sure if I've changed enough of this. Tightening is not my strong suit. :)
If the whispers from the men it the club didn't scare him, the hatred in Enrique's eyes certainly did. He overhears Enrique ordering Rafa around, witnesses him try to sell teenage girls to the club owner, then briefly comes face to face with the man himself. He begins to question how smart it is to put his life in the hands of a man who trades people for a living, but he's come too far to turn back now.
Mateo takes up Rafa's offer to sleep in the back of the club, but when he's brought to Enrique's desert ranch, he's shocked to see Rafa standing among the armed guards. When a second group of migrants arrive, Mateo recognizes two men from the holding cell: Rico, the beefy gangster Mateo suspects stabbed him in the desert, and Alejandro, the old man who knocked Rico out cold. Alejandro seems hellbent on sticking by Mateo's side, but Mateo is too worried about Enrique to give much thought to Alejandro's intentions.
Mateo doesn't realize that the military has infiltrated the coyote's smuggling ring until he's already locked in the trunk of a car and headed for the border. When the Federalies thwart the crossing, Mateo is forced to rely on Alejandro, who seems to know more about the men pursuing them than he's letting on. As they race through the desert, Mateo learns the truth: Alejandro is a former military officer on the run from the corrupt officer he put in jail years ago; Rafa, the friendly bartender who was so helpful to Mateo, is actually the military officer hired to track down Alejandro; and Enrique is still out there, hunting them and the money they promised him.
As Rafa and his men close in, Mateo must decide how badly he wants to get to the other side. When Alejandro stops running so Mateo can escape, Mateo must make a choice: Does he turn his back on the man who got him through the desert alive, or should he follow his heart, and risk everything he's dreamed of, to save a man he barely knows?
Erica, I've thought of that and I'm leaning towards it, but I don't know how suspenseful it has to be to qualify. Hmm.
Spy, I don't think I could do this for a story that isn't written/finished. Some people write outlines in this format, so I know there are those who can do it, but it would seem very challenging without really knowing your characters.
Mel, I hope you don't mind me chiming in with my humble opinion, but I love tightening. And I love your story.
The whispers in the club didn't scare him, but the hatred in Enrique's eyes did. He overhears Enrique ordering around Rafa, witnesses the sale of teenage girls to the club owner, then comes face to face with that man himself. Mateo questions his choice to trust a man who trades people for a living, but Mateo has come too far to stop now.
Mateo accepts Rafa's offer to sleep at the club, but he is taken to Enrique's desert ranch. Mateo is shocked to see Rafa standing among the armed guards. When a second group of migrants arrive, Mateo recognizes two men from his time in the holding cell.
Mateo doesn't realize that the (Which/Who/What) military has infiltrated the coyote's smuggling ring until he's locked in the trunk of a car and headed for the border. When the Federalies thwart the crossing, Mateo is forced to rely on Alejandro, who knows more about the men pursuing them than he's letting on. As they escape, through the desert, Mateo learns the truth: Alejandro is a former military officer on the run from the corrupt officer he sent to jail years ago; Rafa, the friendly bartender who was so helpful to Mateo, is actually the military officer hired to track down Alejandro; and Enrique is still out there, hunting them and the money they promised him. (imo this last sentence is confusing, and extra detail)
When Mateo has the chance to escape, he must make a choice: to turn his back on the man who got him through the desert alive, or risk everything he's dreamed of to save a man he barely knows?
Amy, I don't mind at all. :) Thank you so much for looking over it! I especially like the last paragraph. I had written this a month or so ago and now I'm trying to condense it, but I think I've been too close to it.
The one thing that doesn't work is "...sleep at the club, but he is taken..." because he doesn't go to the ranch until the next day. There's also a whole scene with Rafa's questionable sexuality, but I figured I'd leave that out here.
I've read yours a couple times and I'm trying to think of specific advice. Mainly, I keep getting a little confused with the back and forth of the two women. I don't know if there's a way to keep it focused on the MC, or devote a single paragraph to the widow, or what. (this is why I haven't suggested anything yet.) I hope this makes sense.
So, yeah. My fingers are flying over the keyboard and I'm reading along as the words scroll across the screen. Tommy's haring off to who knows where and my brain's saying 'Wait! Where are you going? How am I supposed to get you back?' How was I to know he had to race off to meet his future wife with whom he would have twins? Or that the twins will some day have their own adventures at the boarding school? Damn characters.
Here's another go at it up to this point. If it still seems like too much traveling around, I can totally understand that. I added a few more details that are pertinent to what happens later.
There’s more to being a vampire than a change of diet. Thirteen-year-old, half-breed Tommy loves his dad’s Italian cooking. It’s too bad his vampire half is allergic to it. One too many rounds of garlic zits and his batty mother packs him off to vampire boarding school; where he’s stuck in remedial transformation and blood sucking classes with kids half his age, his assigned mentor is the school bully, and there’s a gang hungry for a taste of the forbidden – human blood.
In the first five minutes at his new school, Tommy is rescued from the bully, Garth, by a very pretty girl, Gwen, who encourages Tommy to stand up to her enemy. But Tommy doesn’t stand up to Garth for long as he finds himself sliding across the floor on his butt – twice – with all-too-human blood pouring out of his nose. He gets saddled with the name Garlic – a derogatory vampire term for a half-breed. Garth, not wanting to be near a Garlic unless it’s for punching practice, sloughs off his mentor duties to seven-year-old George, whose sentences bounce around almost as much as George does. But George doesn’t mind. He’s excited to make friends with an older boy who’s not ashamed of being a Garlic, and has a two syllable name that doesn’t start with G because “…you gotta think you’re really something special to have more…” than one syllable. Tommy’s grateful to have a gregarious guide even if George’s verbal stream of consciousness is hard to decipher or interrupt.
In the blood feast room, Tommy has to transform to bat form in front of all the staring boy bats clinging to the ripped red velvet wallpaper in order to suck down his bloody meal. Or worse – join the girls in their pristine cream and gold dining room where they sit as humans at tables with tablecloths and drink glasses of Bloody Maria – animal blood with Italian seasonings (sans garlic). Gwen makes the decision for him, which doesn’t help Tommy improve his transformation and blood sucking skills. The girl’s dining room is where Tommy meets Gigi of the mesmerizing ice blue eyes – the leader of the human hunter gang. And where he realizes his dad is the new cook the girls are raving about.
Tommy’s obvious lack of vampire skills would be embarrassing except the seven-year-olds in his classes are just as bad, if not worse, than him. Like poor George, with his distracting crush on the flying teacher, who crashes when he accidentally transforms in mid-air. Life for a Garlic at a vampire boarding school is anything but boring. He can’t avoid the bully since Tommy’s been assigned to tutor him in math. Tommy’s half-breed blood might not be off-limits to the human hunter gang, because half-breeds are not supposed to exist. When George turns on him for being alone with the flying teacher, Tommy runs away from school and hops on the first train heading away from the city. In the country, he learns valuable lessons like cows in barns can have very gross stuff on their necks. And transforming into bat form while falling from a tree might be a useful skill, but breaking branches on the way down is painful.
Practice in the country improves his vampire skills. Two weeks of this homework, and Tommy heads back to school dreading the wrath of his mother for being kicked out. The last of his money bought train tickets for a couple of newly orphaned runaways, so he’s flying back and packing on a bit of muscle, too. His improvement is noticeable and Tommy is surprised to be upgraded to classes with kids his own age, including his new friend Greg. But this welcome back comes with a price – knowledge of the truth about the feud between Garth and Gwen. Tommy can repair the damage, but he might find out Gwen doesn’t care about him and has only been using him to get back at Garth. He forces a meeting between them with the truth out in the open. Gwen disappears from Tommy’s radar and Garth is grudgingly grateful.
Not long after that, Tommy’s trapped in the kitchen pantry by seven of the human hunters and Greg is with them. Garth shows up, too, claiming that Tommy’s math lessons don’t make sense. He cracks his knuckles and states that one plus one is much greater than seven. A belligerent Gigi points out that Garth hates Tommy, but Garth hates all rule breakers and that includes human hunters. Before a fight can start, George and his entourage of seven- and eight-year-olds swarm the pantry, forcing Garth and the human hunters out. George tells Tommy to not be so hard to find the next time he needs rescued.
An unexpected holiday – Bram Stoker’s Birthday – sends Tommy home with questions that his mother avoids answering. He trudges off to help his dad in their restaurant and is surprised to find one of the orphans, Emeline, working there, and what might be human blood in the walk-in refrigerator. But the holiday is short and a frustrated Tommy returns to school with even more questions.
He steels himself to be in flying class with Greg, then realizes he doesn’t know what Greg looks like as a bat. Any of the bats swooping at him might be this new enemy. His poor performance is noticed by the teacher, but Tommy’s more concerned about what else he doesn’t know that young vampires take for granted. Dinner in the blood feast room changes, too, when a statue of Cruorius, the blood bearer, replaces the usual furry feast. Tommy learns that all vampire birthdays are in January and the statue pouring blood from a pitcher will be in the blood feast room every Friday for the next two months leading up to a big birthday bash and the end of the school year.
Melanie:
Really . . . I think your synopsis is very polished . . . and personally, I think it's intriguing. Combine that in your pitch with your blog, and some real-life ability to "platform" over this experience, and I think you have a real shot.
E
Here's a revision of part of yesterday's stuff. Still working on that last paragraph:
While waiting to hand Brittney over to big sister and guardian Leitha, Thursday turns to Friday and grows significantly worse. Colt’s Airstream is shot at. He unsuccessfully gives chase and, when he returns, Brittney has disappeared. Thinking she might have hitchhiked home, he drives to Leitha’s house in Jacksonville. Leitha is supposed to be home from work by now, but she doesn’t come to the door or answer her phone. Colt checks the glass door in back. Shattered. He runs to his car, grabs his shotgun, enters the house locked and loaded. Inside, he finds Leitha Ryan tied to the bed with electrical cords, her nipples burned off and her belly zipped open with a blade. Verging on collapse at the sight of his client swimming in her own blood, Colt dials 9-1-1 and waits for the police.
Colt is questioned by a homicide detective, and his camper is sealed off pending an FBI investigation. With Leitha’s murder on the national news, it’s not likely Brittney has merely run away again. Whoever killed Leitha must have kidnapped Brittney. Feeling at least partially responsible, Colt is determined to find her.
Penniless, on the outs with his girlfriend, and hesitant to accept a friend’s spare bedroom because of the black cloud that seems to be following him, Colt checks into a motel. He calls on some delinquent accounts, and finally scrapes together enough money for a few days. Later, he stops at a local watering hole, thinking he might be able to gather some information from the sheriff’s deputies who hang out there. He runs into SWAT team sniper Roy Massengill, who used to drive an equipment bus for Colt .45. A former Navy SEAL, Massengill has burn scars on his neck from a helicopter accident in the first gulf war. When he and Colt get into a minor tiff, Massengill’s shirt is ripped and Colt gets a glimpse of the finest tattoo he’s ever seen. It’s an angel, wings spread, drawn with such detail it looks as though a photograph was burned onto Massengill’s arm. Colt and Massengill end up getting drunk together, and they leave the bar on friendly terms.
Sarah:
Here we go:
There’s more to being a vampire than a change of diet. Thirteen-year-old, half-breed Tommy loves his dad’s Italian cooking. It’s too bad his vampire half is allergic to it. One too many rounds of garlic zits and his batty mother packs him off to vampire boarding school; where he’s stuck in remedial transformation and blood sucking [I would, when worldbuilding, definitely have a glossary for yourself with consistency on things like bloodsucking or blood-sucking--you need one of the other here . . . and if you come up with your preferred version it will make it easier when you have this book edited and so on] classes with kids half his age, his assigned mentor is the school bully, and there’s a gang hungry for a taste of the forbidden – human blood.
In the first five minutes at his new school, Tommy is rescued from the bully, Garth, by a very pretty girl, Gwen, who encourages Tommy to stand up to her enemy. But Tommy doesn’t stand up to Garth for long as he finds himself sliding across the floor on his butt – twice – with all-too-human blood pouring out of his nose. He gets saddled with the name Garlic – a derogatory vampire term for a half-breed. Garth, not wanting to be near a Garlic unless it’s for punching practice, sloughs off his mentor duties to seven-year-old George, whose sentences bounce around almost as much as George does. But George doesn’t mind. He’s excited to make friends with an older boy who’s not ashamed of being a Garlic, and has a two-[add hyphen] syllable name that doesn’t start with G because “…you gotta think you’re really something special to have more…” than one syllable. Tommy’s grateful to have a gregarious guide even if George’s verbal stream of consciousness is hard to decipher or interrupt. [cute!]
In the blood feast room, Tommy has to transform to bat form in front of all the staring boy bats clinging to the ripped red velvet wallpaper in order to suck down his bloody meal. Or worse – join the girls in their pristine cream and gold dining room where they sit as humans at tables with tablecloths and drink glasses of Bloody Maria – animal blood with Italian seasonings (sans garlic). [GREAT detail!!!!] Gwen makes the decision for him, which doesn’t help Tommy improve his transformation and bloodsucking [hyphenate or one word] skills. The girl’s dining room is where Tommy meets Gigi of the mesmerizing ice blue eyes – the leader of the human hunter gang. [AHH!! Now we know who she is] And where he realizes his dad is the new cook the girls are raving about. {WOOHOO! Great details!!!]
Tommy’s obvious lack of vampire skills would be embarrassing except the seven-year-olds in his classes are just as bad, if not worse, than him [he]. Like poor George, with his distracting crush on the flying teacher, who crashes when he accidentally transforms in mid-air. Life for a Garlic at a vampire boarding school is anything but boring. He can’t avoid the bully since Tommy’s been assigned to tutor him in math. Tommy’s half-breed blood might not be off-limits to the human hunter gang, because half-breeds are not supposed to exist. When George turns on him for being alone with the flying teacher, Tommy runs away from school and hops on the first train heading away from the city. In the country, he learns valuable lessons like cows in barns can have very gross stuff on their necks. And transforming into bat form while falling from a tree might be a useful skill, but breaking branches on the way down is painful.
Practice in the country improves his vampire skills. Two weeks of this homework, and Tommy heads back to school dreading the wrath of his mother for being kicked out. The last of his money bought train tickets for a couple of newly orphaned runaways, so he’s flying back and packing on a bit of muscle, too. His improvement is noticeable and Tommy is surprised to be upgraded to classes with kids his own age, including his new friend Greg. But this welcome back comes with a price – knowledge of the truth about the feud between Garth and Gwen. Tommy can repair the damage, but he might find out Gwen doesn’t care about him and has only been using him to get back at Garth. He forces a meeting between them with the truth out in the open. Gwen disappears from Tommy’s radar and Garth is grudgingly grateful.
Not long after that, Tommy’s trapped in the kitchen pantry by seven of the human hunters and Greg is with them. Garth shows up, too, claiming that Tommy’s math lessons don’t make sense. He cracks his knuckles and states that one plus one is much greater than seven. A belligerent Gigi points out that Garth hates Tommy, but Garth hates all rule breakers and that includes human hunters. Before a fight can start, George and his entourage of seven- and eight-year-olds swarm the pantry, forcing Garth and the human hunters out. George tells Tommy to not be so hard to find the next time he needs rescued.
An unexpected holiday – Bram Stoker’s Birthday – sends Tommy home with questions that his mother avoids answering. He trudges off to help his dad in their restaurant and is surprised to find one of the orphans, Emeline, working there, and what might be human blood in the walk-in refrigerator. But the holiday is short and a frustrated Tommy returns to school with even more questions.
He steels himself to be in flying class with Greg, then realizes he doesn’t know what Greg looks like as a bat. Any of the bats swooping at him might be this new enemy. His poor performance is noticed by the teacher, but Tommy’s more concerned about what else he doesn’t know that young vampires take for granted. Dinner in the blood feast room changes, too, when a statue of Cruorius, the blood bearer, replaces the usual furry feast. Tommy learns that all vampire birthdays are in January and the statue pouring blood from a pitcher will be in the blood feast room every Friday for the next two months leading up to a big birthday bash and the end of the school year.
**************
GREAT! A+, Sarah. Wonderful details!!!!
Wow, Erica. You just made my day. :) I keep wondering if it's worthwhile to mention my blog since there's a lot of random stuff on there, but I'm leaning towards including it.
Any thoughts of doing a query workshop after this? Once you catch up on your sleep, of course.
Had a full day yesterday. Here are my next paragraphs. I should say I haven't finished the novel, but the synopsis still feels vague.
Help!
******
He apologizes for kissing Lynne, but that's not the worst part for her. She likes it. The rebel in her doesn't see the problem in mixing business with pleasure, but she knows convincing Nate would be like talking a nun into going to a strip bar. Yet more pressing matters come to her attention—their assistants are having an affair.
At least someone is getting their frustration released, but they beg her not to tell Nate. He won’t take the news with aplomb. His assistant is his right hand woman. Someone, probably the only person in this world besides his mother he considers a confidant, but his rigid beliefs in business doesn’t exactly leave those around him to think he’ll be open to allow exceptions to these rules.
Lynne understands keeping the secret, but guilt starts to prey on her conscious. Her and Nate’s bond is unconventional, mainly their fixation on The Boutique, and Lynne knows her reasons. Finding out Nate’s reason will force her to be underhanded and she decides to deal with that guilt later.
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