Outsourcing My Laundry

I was pouring my coffee this morning, which I take very light, and thought of a story that circulated in NYC years ago. It may be B.S., but the rumors making the papers were Calvin Klein was so hard on his assistants that one of them made up a Pantone color guide for the EXACT shade of tan his coffee should be each morning. And woe to the moron who messed it up.

So, staring at my coffee, I thought, "Wouldn't it be great? A perfectly color-matched cup of coffee delivered to my desk each day."

Which reminds me of the American commercial (sorry you guys from overseas) with "Sven" in which he gets everyone in the family up and ready for the day. I need a Sven. An assistant so capable that I don't have to think about those activities of daily living. So that my very next need is anticipated.

So just for fun . . . is there any task right now, as a writer juggling a day job or four kids or whatever . . . that you would just love to have taken care of? What would you outsource?

Me? Laundry. Emptying the dishwasher (which I currently outsource to Oldest Son, so perhaps I would just continue that arrangement). Definitely coffee perfectly matched to the Pantone color chart--just because I CAN. (Evil laugh!)

I would outsource all chauffeuring of my children. HATE errands. I'd love to have my hairdresser blow out my hair a couple of mornings a week. Filing. Can't seem to manage that. In fact, someone to run my office . . . would love it.

So tell me, writers, what would you outsource? Get creative. Like . . . I would love someone to be Demon Baby's Bodyguard. You know how rock stars have "sobriety companions" to keep them out of trouble? Well, Demon doesn't have a crack pipe problem, but he could definitely use someone to keep him from all sorts of trouble. Like yesterday, I came home and was greeted (swear) with "Demon Baby let your bird out of the cage and painted him."

"Painted him? With what?"

"Watercolor paints. Just the beak."

Oh, yes. A Demon Baby Bodyguard.

Anyone else?