Defining Moments
Every person has a defining moment in their life--perhaps several. Defining moments are not necessarily happy moments. While I certainly consider the births of my four children the most wonderful days of my entire life--the literal high points of my life--my defining moments have actually been much darker. And even more ordinary. They have been the moments I decided what I was made of.
I think one defining moment was 15 years ago. Crohn's had ravaged me so badly, that my joints had given up. I was lying on the couch, unable to walk, thinking, "I don't want to live." It wasn't pain like childbirth pain. It was relentless, scratching the inside of your brain pain, that I took second by second, not even minute by minute. I was white-knuckling my entire life. I said to my significant other, "If this is how I have to live, I don't want to." And he said, in essence, "Tough. Suck it up. You HAVE to live because you have a child who needs you. So find it inside yourself to get through it because you don't have another option--not you, not the person I know."
So I did. I found somewhere deep inside, something. A light switch. A courage button. And I survived. I know it was a defining moment, because when I had Demon Baby three years ago, two weeks precisely after he was born, I climbed out of bed and fell to the floor. I had no feeling in my feet, and eventually, over the next year, that settled into a searing pain from my feet to the top of my thighs, spreading more each day. Neurologists told me I likely had M.S. But in hindsight, it turned out to be a side effect of yet another wonderful medication that they tried to cure me with. After a year of agonizing pain and being unable to do more than cross the floor, it went away. (And became the impetus for my abandoning western medicine for Traditional Chinese Medicine.)
However, living in pain that year after Demon Baby didn't define me--I had been defined 12 years before.
So it is with characters. The defining moment is RARELY the climax of your book. Rarely! That probably sounds surprising. But for your character, the defining moment is often when they look in the mirror and decide what they are made of. The moment they are so outraged by a crime, they go after the killer themselves, putting life and limb at risk. The moment they are so fed up with the system or the man, that they buck it. The moment they have been abused by their spouse for the last time and leave and start over. The defining moment exists even in comedy. The moment when the character finally decides to believe in love after all.
Thoughts? Can you find YOUR defining moment? Your character's?
20 comments:
My defining moment was when for the umpteenth time I found evidence of my ex cheating. He told me that if I continued accusing him of things (you know he refuted the evidence of course) that he would leave, that he couldn't live like that. I actually begged him not to go, I fell on the floor. Ok, he would stay.
My defining moment was when I got up.
I realized I would never beg anyone for anything ever again and subsequently told him that the next time he threatened to leave, he better be ready to do it.
I meant it.
And he didn't leave until I told him to.
My main character is about to have her defining moment. When she realizes that all the life blows she has been dealt, all the triumphs she's had, mean nothing unless she puts it all aside to help the people she loves.
When my 17 year old niece was killed by a drunk driver. It's still defining me. And it led to me writing about my experiences as a teenage alcoholic. Very cathartic in it's own right.
Hi Amy:
Deciding to help others is a great defining moment.
E
Hi Sarah:
I am so sorry for your loss. I hammer home to my kids, time and again, never drink and drive, but it's so scary how lives can be changed in an instant. And how it can define people for years and decades to come.
E
Mine was in bed. I couldn't read, think, or even hold conversations, because every sentence I'd have to ask what we were talking about. The pain was just so continual, years of it, that I did eventually learn to sort of lift out of my body above the pain, sort of a meditation thing. (A handy trick that still works, even with migraines!) I was of no use to the world, not even to myself. It was hard, not being able to take care of myself. (I managed, I guess, but not really. I broke down and begged my mother for help, but this wasn't part of her reality.) There was absolutely nothing I could do to make the world a better place. Nothing, and there was no end in sight.
I definitely considered suicide, mostly a matter of convenience. There just was no point to being, so why waste space?
Eventually I told myself that just being, just existing, serves some purpose, even if we don't know it. If a butterfly in China can cause a tornado in Kansas, why not?
I think that's why I'm so passionate about the elderly. They spent a lifetime working hard, making better lives for their children, and suddenly they are shelved away on a bed with no respect, all while they're struggling to feel useful, to still have a point to their lives. Because it's very hard to have no use to the world.
Hi Spy:
Well . . . I for one am so glad you persevered.
xo
E
I've had several in my short years here on this earth, but but I think this one just changed my life. I'd been bouncing from house to house. Homeless in essence so by that point I was determined to go to school and make something of myself. Before I'd go to school willy-nilly. I'd take any excuse to not go.
But then I went back to school and they had a rule if you missed three classes you'd be dropped. I'd miss two for doctor's appointment, but to the school that didn't matter. So, one day I didn't have bus fare. Usually I would have called it quits. I walked to school. And I'm not talking around the block. I'm talking a five mile walk, literally with my son in the stroller and dragging my daughter with me.
By the time I made it to school I realized that if I wanted something bad enough NOTHING could stand in my way. That was very empowering for a single teenage mother to grasp and accept. Statistics say I'm supposed to be nothing more than a welfare recipient and that day I chose to be more. And all I did was take a walk.
So no it's not surprising to me that a character's defining moment isn't in the climax.
Melissa:
What an inspiring defining moment!!! It was a walk. But it wasn't a walk. It was so much more.
E
When my father died and 2 days later, sitting in the living room with my mother (who has Alzheimer's) who remembered that Dad had died, but thought the funeral had already happened and she couldn't remember it. When she asked me, "I missed it all, didn't I?"
That's one.
And you're right, defining moments don't occur at the end. I'd never thought of it before, but you're right.
Hi Mark:
I think big losses and profoundly sad moments can jar us and define us.
And I actually thought of this post while watching Obama's speech. Because I knew the pundits would call it one of his defining moments . . . and I thought about that in terms of a novel's structure.
E
These are all great. What a courageous bunch!
I've had a few defining moments. I was on the road with a band with high aspirations as a musician when I talked to my gf and found out we were going to have a baby. I was excited and scared as hell. I decided to be the best dad I could be, which meant quitting the road life. That was a biggie, and I don't regret it one bit.
Hi Jude:
That's pretty defining. :-)
My middle-grade character's defining moment--at age 13--is discovering that this newfound family of his . . . means EVERYTHING to him. And that he can trust them. And would even die for them if need be.
E
Sounds like a winner, Erica.
And congrats on the option you mentioned over at Mark's!
Jude:
Gracias.
E
What great defining moments. I guess we call them moments but they can actually happen over a long period until we get the essence out of what's happening and that becomes the moment. For me I think it was my father's death - but he died slowly due to a mistake the hospital made and so the agony was prolonged and the anger and bitterness still continue. So I'm not sure I have actually reached the defining moment yet. All I know is that my life is defined by before it happened and after it happened. My life has two parts now. Roll on the defining moment.
Losing my parents two years ago, five months apart. My mom left a beautiful smile behind; one that moved easily and was so bright it took our breath away. I felt it stir inside of me.
My character's defining moments always move me deeply, and hopefully I capture them.
Hi Suzanne:
I am sorry for your loss. I sometimes think we go along in grief or pain for a WHILE and then, one day, out of nowhere, some truth will hit us and we get that moment. But maybe not . . .
E
Hi Ladonna:
I always feel like my Baby Girl has a sparkle like that. She's very winsome.
E
P.S. Mailing a package to your son-in-law in Iraq in the next week or so.
It's absolutely crazy how side effects from medication can sometimes make you even worse than you were before you started taking them! I've had several people deal with this, and it's not good at all.
I agree that defining moments tend to be much darker than the happy moments. Darker moments force us to be different than we are, to either reach for something more inside of us or reach for something greater outside of us. Sometimes I don't like how I changed after a "defining moment," but it is what it is.
I think my defining moment was when I told my then-boyfriend I'd move to Mexico with him so he could watch his mother die. I sometimes worry I'm too selfish and the fact that I didn't even hesitate showed me maybe I'm not so bad after all. I don't regret it, but I'm anxious to see how it will end.
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