Yearning
Each of my children plays an instrument. I don't care if they play it particularly well, just that they play. However, each has an interesting story.
Oldest Daughter was about 3, almost 4, when she saw a violinist on PBS. She turned to me--and I remember the day.
"That's what I am going to do with my life."
Of course, she was my first child, so what did I really know? Since then, I have come to believe children arrive from heaven with souls, and those souls have longings. But suffice it to say, I shrugged and said, "Okay, kiddo." And then thought of it no more.
SHE, however, thought of it daily. For a YEAR. Every day. Or every other day. "When can I get a violin? When can I get lessons?" Until eventually, at age 4, almost 5, she started lesssons. She is now a musician, a classical violinist, off at music school nad playing so incredibly beautifully. The first time she held a 1/32nd-size violin in her hands, it was as if her fingers knew how to curl around it. And when I see her with her instrument, it is an extension of herself. One time, I remember getting in an awful fight--the kind you only have with teenagers when they break your heart and you break theirs. The kind I wish with all my heart I could take back. She was in a stage of not practicing, and I picked up her violin and case and said, "Why don't I just sell this? Why am I killing myself to pay for these expensive lessons?" (At the time, she had a teacher I simply couldn't afford . . . but I was trying to figure out ways to make it happen at $150 an hour). And I remember her getting SO upset and saying, "Put it down! You're making me nervous just holding it." That's when I knew. The violin was in her SOUL. And even if she didn't practice, I was going to have to ride it out for a bit.
Oldest Son plays a horn. He will never be a professional musician, but he plays it. And faithfully, every year, he plays a Christmas show downtown. Why he picked the horn, I couldn't tell you. Me, I had delusions that perhaps he'd take up the sax. Saxes are cool. Jazz musicians are cool. I tried to prod him along to sax. But no. He likes his baritone horn and he has learned to clean it and care for the keys and so on. And he genuinely LOVES his horn.
Baby Girl took up drums. She liked it. But she YEARNED for piano lessons. The drums are now gathering dust. Piano it is. And she practices and practices and sings along with her songs--so much so she recently earned a place as a singer in a large music festival. But when I hear her tell her teacher (as she did yesterday) about how MUCH she wanted to play piano before she started lessons, I see it was what she was meant to do all along.
So recently, Demon Baby has been telling me he is going to be in a band when he grows up--as his career. He intends to be in a metal/punk/angry rock kind of band. His musical tastes run to the Clash and Rage Against the Machine. The first time he heard Rage Against the Machine, he literally walked to the speaker and put his forehead against them and started banging his head in time to the music, rocking out. Since then, he has added air guitar to it. And lately, he has started very methodically playing his sister's abandoned drum set! Every day. And so he plans to be a drummer. Or a guitarist. BUT, he has also started singing jazz. Jamie Cullum, to be precise. I have over 3,000 songs on my iPod. What makes him choose Jaime Cullum--and learn all the words at his age, and sing them EVERY time the songs come on? Over and over. And to ask for them now?
I can only assume we arrive with some sort of yearning. And only when we find what it is we love do we relax and slide into it like a well-worn bathrobe, thinking, "Ahhh, this was where I was meant to be all along."
I have come to believe--rather strongly actually--that as a parent, my main job is to help my children find their true north, their yearning. It isn't up to me to tell them whether or not it is practical to earn a living as a classical musician or as a punk band drummer. Or whether being a poet is a wise career choice, or whether moving to Paris is a practical aspiration. It is only my place--and honor--to help them identify those yearnings they arrived here with. And help them realize it, no matter what sacrifices I have to make.
And so that brings me to writing, as my blog posts always do. I have had an "appointment" each night lately. I have turned off the lights earlier than usual, and I have shut my eyes . . . and basically climbed into my works in progress in my mind, to live in those worlds for a while and solve the various plot issues. And each time I arrive in that world, giving myself permission to daydream and make up stories, I realize that is my yearning. It has always been my true north to write.
Thoughts? What is it that you yearn for?
37 comments:
When I was little I would create "drum sets" out of Tupperware bowls, pots and pans, steel garbage cans...
The first time I heard a real drummer play live, I just knew that's what I was going to do. I think you're right. We're born with certain yearnings.
My son is more of an adventurer than I ever was. Right now he's talking about applying for an ROTC scholarship and becoming an Air Force pilot after college. A fighter pilot. It's certainly not what I would have chosen for him, but if he decides that's his calling I'll support him any way I can.
Yes. Yes, I do believe it is indeed my "True North".
And I would LOVE to hear your kiddos play to their heart's content one day.
Jude:
A friend of mine's son is a fighter pilot--he certainly has LOTS of adventures.
E
Realm:
In Buddhism, you work on being "present" and mindful. Only recently have I realized how little I am "present" and am always in my head somewhere else, daydreaming--but it's productive daydreaming having to do with creating stories. It is my true north.
E
I'm inclined to agree. If you pay attention, you can usually figure out what your kids' true north is, although it may change over time. With my oldest son, it's either music or writing. He might find something else along the way, but I suspect it'll be one or both. Both my wife and I have also seen a kind of natural "teacher" element to him. We noticed several years ago when he was hanging out with friends--which in our neighborhood meant the ages varied--he was the one to organize the games and play.
My youngest, hard to say, but he leans toward math, computers, and gaming. MSU, my wife and my alma mater, has a fantastic video game design program and I wouldn't be surprised to see him doing that.
As for me, music might have been my true north at one time, I ignored it and went into science, but the writing thing kept coming back and coming back and coming back. I think you ignore your true north at your own peril.
I am doing what I yearn for.
Mark:
I agree. I think if you ignore your true north, or a parent tries to squash a true north in a child as impractical, there will just always be this yearning, or else a drifting. I'd rather give my kids the tools to really make a go of what they want to do.
I think the same point can be made for ignoring aspects of sexuality, or aspects of whatever it is you really, deep down, ARE as a person.
E
Hi Joe:
New picture! :-)
And how wonderful. Really. To find your true north--in a love affair or a career or whatever . . . how fantastic. I think the same can be said of spirituality, too. My father is constantly puzzled (he is an atheist) with my attraction to certain aspects of my spirituality. I wish I could explain to him what it is . . . but . . . in the end, it is what it is. I have a certain hole in my soul and it's filled with my own particular view of the universe.
E
I do believe writing is my true north and I feel the most calm when I am actively writing.
But dang can everyday life wreak havoc on the compass of my soul.
Travis:
Lately, with all the economic news and so on, I, too, feel rattled at times. I try not to feel that way . . . but sometimes panic rises up.
E
*sigh* This is such a beautiful post.
My true north is something creative, but I've yet to pinpoint exactly what that is. As a child it was art, then writing, then art, then more writing, then eventually design. And now writing. And design. lol.
So something with those two things.
Erica, this is my first time here, and I just wanted to say that this is a beautiful, and beautifully rendered, post. Especially the part about your oldest daughter and the violin.
My daughter, who is 8 and a southpaw, believes with all her heart she will play for the Yankees when she grows up. :)
Melanie:
I think creativity itself can be a true north. I know I am happy sketching . . . or painting (which I am horrible at). But I am happy doing it.
E
Jennifer:
Thanks for visiting! And you never know, right? Or her love may morph to being head of PR for the Yanks or running a minor league team, or being a sportswriter . . . or . . . or . . . the thing is, the whole world is open to them.
E
Erica, this post really touched me. I absolutely love how you love your kids. Mine mean the world to me too.
I have two daughters, one discovered her passion after having children and it's photography. Maybe she needed the inspiration her children bring, and she's very talented and taking classes. My youngest is taking classes now too, and loves learning. She's busy homeschooling her three children, and pretty much a single mom while her hubby is in Iraq. They're stationed in Alaska now.
For me, I always knew writing would be my course. I daydreamed as a child, and penned stories from those. Yearning is a perfect word for what it means to me.
LaDonna:
I think writing was a thread through my whole life. That and books. All I EVER wanted to do was read.
E
I think I have multiple yearnings: piano, teaching, writing, and parenting.
I have a student who is an astonishing poet. I'm convinced he took lessons from me all these years so that I could encourage his writing. He's just amazingly good, and this year he's actually saying something with his poems. He has themes now. Already! At 18!
As a child, I pretty much thought I was a little crazy to imagine so much. I have stories and characters that lasted for YEARS of my childhood, two hours a night, minimum. I was so afraid to tell anyone because I thought I would be called crazy. It never occurred to me to write them down!
Just two years ago, I made a list of all the pieces I wanted to learn (really learn, as in memorize and perform) before I die, and then I cried. Sobbed, actually. I can't possibly learn them all. I definitely want this to be a hobby, though. One I can pursue for twenty hours a week on my own terms, just because I love it.
Same with teaching. I don't want to have to keep the parents who bring down the studio, just to pay my bills. I somehow get these parents who stay (I think because the kids are happy) but complain to other parents about the inconveniences and want to prove everything I do wrong. I wish they would just quit, but how am I supposed to kick out their beautiful little one/s? They're so darned passive-agressive about it, that most of the time I'm unaware we're even engaged in such a "competition" until it's mostly over. And then I happen to know what I'm doing/talking about when it comes to children, and then they get mad because they "lost."
But every time, I give them the benefit of the doubt and it always bites me in the ass.
I was born and bred to be a musician. My dad is a professional musician who did 200+ concerts every year of my life until I was 13, when he decided to take a job at a church. My mom sings, we were surrounded by singers and musicians, and grew up in recording studios. I think I broke my first tooth while chewing on a discarded drumstick.
But when I was supposed to be practicing piano, I was reading. When I was supposed to be outside playing, or going for hikes with my dad, or sitting in front of the television for family night... I was reading. And late at night, I would use a flashlight to write stories in my diary under the covers.
My brother (who was a born artist, drawing amazing renderings even in his preschool years) would draw pictures and I would tell him the story behind the drawing. I would write long character stories of the people I saw in airports and at the mall.
I would make up elaborate fictional stories (erm... lies) to explain things to my friends that none of understood. (Like the "fact" that Mrs. Potter kept Tigers as pets, which is why she always had orange and white hairs on her sweater. Or Mrs. Menke was actually a super spy assassin on the weekends, which is why she was always so nice to us--keeping up her cover--and always looked so tired on Monday morning.)
I guess I'll always be musical, but I was born with the yearning to be a storyteller--no matter what that means.
spy:
You know, as a parent, my kids have had friends I adored, and friends I felt lukewarm about. And they have had friends whose parents I adored, and friends whose parents just were sickening. But you can't punish the kids. So I hear you . . . tough place to be in.
E
Heather:
Thanks for visiting and sharing. You and your brother sound like you were amazingly creative kids (love the tiger . . . GREAT imagination).
My son wrote this amazing graphic novel (about the most original idea EVER)--but he doesn't like to draw. So I told him he should collaborate with his sister (who is a great artist).
My son has found his calling as a drummer, I believe. He absolutely loves it. Practice for his lessons? Psh. But he drives himself to perfection for performances. He "arrived"--literally LIT UP when he played for the school the other day. (We've had a lot of "fame is fickle" discussions since.) But I don't care if he's ever in a band--I just want him to have a blast with it.
My daughter is a storyteller. We know this because every drawing has a picture, every story has "embellishments" and for her, fiction and truth blend at her will. She started telling stories at 10 months and hasn't stopped.
I had a bunch of stuffed animals and I would make them play parts in my stories. Between that and taking the styrofoam from the Barbie box and creating a restaurant with dance floor and waterfall, I was meant to be a writer/architect.
I'm doing the writing. I have yet to pursue the architecture, though I have looked at it seriously a time or three.
I love this post! (I'm listening to Jamie Cullen as I type.) I know writing is my true north, even when I'm struggling with a scene. I've tried walking away from it, but I was drawn back. This is what I was meant to do.
sex scenes:
My younger daughter is a poet at heart. But she's also working on a novel . . . she is my storyteller.
Sarah:
I literally LAUGHED out LOUD!! That is the funniest/most adorable story. Too bad you didn't save your restaurant design!
Edie:
I adore Jamie Cullum. His version of High and Dry . . . wow.
And yeah. I wander occasionally because of ennui or discouragement or life interfering, but I always seem to wander back.
E
I'm young, and I'm aware that I'm pretty green when it comes to the writing world. Even with as much research as I've done, I can only prepair to a certain degree before I have to say "Okay, I'm brave enough to do this." And though all of this is scary(thrilling too), I know that writing is my True North. Always has been, always will be.
I can't imagine a life in which I didn't have conversations with characters when I close my eyes, or a life where I never visited the worlds I've created.
When I told my parents back in late 2007 that I'm writing a book, and I'm going to get it published when I'm finished they were...well doubtfull. They told me that I need to pick something "safe" as a career, and keep writing as a hobbie.
I had to prove that this isn't just what I'm meant to do, it's what I have to do. Like eating and breathing.
Now I feel that I've earned their support with how hard I've tried, and suceeded. I've writen an entire YA novel. How many sixteen year old kids can truely say that.
And if that isn't a sign that I'm doing just what I'm supposed, I don't know what is.
-J.T.
JT, keep at it. I wrote my first novel at 14 (bad, but FINISHED!) and I still write. I love it.
JT:
Can I tell you . . . you're awesome!
Do you know how many ADULTS say to me (and most writers), "Oh . . .someday I'm going to write a book"? And after you hear that a thousand times, you realize that no, they likely won't. That few people ever achieve that goal in the first place.
Awesome!
E
You are the world's best mom! You don't control your children's dreams, in fact, you nurture every one. Yay you! (Wish you were my mom)
And I still believe we were either separated at birth, or maybe twins in a former life. Each night before I fall asleep I play out in my head a WIP. Although I hope I'm not just boring myself to sleep... ;)
kath:
Yes, twin. That thought has crossed my mind. Certainly in movie taste!
I love playing out scenes in my head. I basically make "appointments" to daydream--and call it work. ;-)
E
My daughter decided several years ago she is going to be an astronomer/engineer and design a moon base with the biggest telescope ever. Then she is going to discover a new galaxy. In her spare time all she wants to do is read astronomy books, and look in her telescope.
My 4 yr old son has been asking to do so many things I don't know where to start. He wants to take piano, golf, tennis, and swimming lessons. He also loves to tell stories.
cheryl:
Your daughter is a girl after my own heart!!
I love astronomy . . . I think the Milky Way is the most beautiful sight in the universe.
E
My soul has no north. It wanders across the earth with a broken compass. Ironically it is happy with this because the rising and setting sun provides warmth. Only in the darkness can you find the north star and stay the course when the sun blinds you to its whereabouts.
A home and writing. I'm greedy, I need more than one. A home, because I remember moving and never setting down roots. I picked up friends like most kids do, but I never had a childhood friend. You know, the one that knew you since you guys were in diapers. So, to make up for that I've had the same phone number for 3 years. Same address for 3 years. And if God is willing and the creek don't rise my daughther will have friends from her elementary school. There is something about having roots that calls to me. I write about it in every book. The loner with no family gets one. Or the hero and heroine are loners and they make a family of their own.
And, writing. Well, it seems I tell this story over and over again, but I started writing on a typewriter. Even though computers existed. I just wanted to write, so I sat down and wrote my first novel. I never felt more right. It's like sitting in a chair that's made just for you. I can kick back, I can be myself no matter how off the wall that may be. Writing is mine and mine alone when I'm doing it. When I'm not writing I don't centered, I feel off balance. Most times when I'm not writing I'm thinking about writing.
When I am, there's my chair made just for me.
richmond:
Poetic.
E
melissa blue:
Hi! Haven't seen you in a while. And yes, my home is a true north for me. Not because I moved a lot as a kid or anything, but it's safe ... where I can really be ME.
E
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