The Fake Oprah
So yesterday, my filmmaker 11-year-old daughter created a set, a theme song, and a photo montage for her television show. And I was filmed (!) as her first guest. Her theme song was great! The montage . . . wonderful. She held up a copy of Magickeepers. We had audience applause, and I walked "on set" and sat down. We air kissed.
Then it got hard.
"What was your inspiration for this book?"
"Who is your favorite character and why?"
SURE, I can answer these things. Sure. But on film? (Even if the entire show was filmed in my bedroom). We had to do retakes. I am STILL very unhappy with the interview but her highness, the Director AND Star AND theme song singer AND film editor . . . said no. No more retakes.
I learned a few things being on the "Fake Oprah" show.
1) I roll my eyes. Almost constantly. When I am searching for a word phrase, I constantly roll them. This would not be good on the REAL Oprah and it certainly wasn't good for Fake Oprah.
2) I talk with my hands. Apparently, I cannot utter a word without moving my hands. Oldest Daughter has the same affliction, but I never realized how bad it was until I was on film.
3) I can answer those questions in thoughtful paragraphs here. But . . . I suck at the 30 words or less on film.
Now, I have spoken in front of 100 people about writing. My schtick gets more comfortable as I go along, but some of my mannerisms, I am sure, are there. Put me in front of 100 kids and frankly, I'm like a comic. But I bet I roll my eyes.
So here's what else I know.
Your elevator pitch has to be spot on. SPOT on. If ever there was a time to perfect books and perfect queries and perfect your pitch . . . it's now.
If you need to, film yourself.
If that makes you queasy, Houston, we have a problem.
Speak to the mirror if you need to.
Get comfortable.
And pray that YOU don't ever run into the Fake Oprah. She is a tough interviewer.
I'm going to be having nightmares of my poor performance for weeks.
Thoughts?
Now I'm going to make it tough.
TWENTY-FIVE word summary of your book. Post it. Be sure of it. Own it.
57 comments:
While tracking a teenage runaway, a blues guitarist turned private eye discovers a religious cult was responsible for the plane crash that killed his family.
So when do we get to see that video?
Jude:
This week I got one weird stalking-crazy email . . . and one long-distance marriage proposal from a soldier in Iraq I have never met. No video going up unless we refilm (she says her fast and last name on it, which is not my last name and identifies us too much, then).
But it is AWESOME. LOL!
E
Jude:
Pitch was concise!
E
So if we walk into your house, is it like Kramer's apartment when it was furnished with the old Merv Griffin set?
:)
Okay, no pitch from me today, but here's my take on the "elevator pitch." Over the last 5-10 years I have interviewed dozens of authors for either profiles I've written for The Oakland Press or more recently, for pieces I do for the Thriller Report, the newsletter of the International Thriller Writers, Inc.
The vast--VAST!!!--majority of writers need to go back and do some remedial work on what their novel is about. Honest to God, people, if you're being interviewed, pretty much the first thing an interviewer is going to ask you is:
What's your book about?
Now, many of the bestselling authors like David Morrell (he's a master, he creates a short description and a long description. He read them both to me when I asked for them), Steve Berry, John Sandford and others are ABSOLUTELY prepared for this question. They've either sat down and actually written it down or at least thought about it.
Others go something like, "Well, it's about this woman, and she was raised in Arizona, but now she's living in Florida, because her mother has Alzheimers--her father died when she was 10 and she was raised by wolves, but she's found her mother after she was discovered by an anthropologist from the University of Bizmarck ... a tenured professor, but he's actually from Chicago, but he took a one-year teaching job in Germany because he fell in love with the dean of students, anyway, she was living with wolves, no, I mean, she was taking care of her mother, who was being experimented on by neo-Nazi scientists, especially this one, Dr. Frank Stein, he's, like Jewish, but a neo-Nazi who thinks he's the reincarnation of Josef Mengela, and..."
And the writer's jaw is slowly dropping and his eyes are starting to cross...
Jude:
Not quite. But then again, Kramer did not have a theme song, "It's the ***** Show, the **** show, the really fantabulous **** show with the super spectacular guests"--and the Demon Baby and sis done a la Pop Art (Warhol) montage . . . (her favorite artist ever is Keith Haring--she is so madly in love with his art).
E
Mark:
I have my pitch down . . . but then I always feel like it sounds crappy.
"Well, Fake Oprah, it's about a rogue clan of Russian magicians fighting to reclaim their stolen family relics across the centuries."
Or, "What if the world is full of real magicians and they hide their identities by having a magic act in Las Vegas and living among us."
Either way . . . I was not pleased with how Fake Oprah went, LOL! SHE was great, however.
E
Jude:
And as a P.S. she has convinced me, through her films, some of which are awesome, to buy her a green screen and more software. So perhaps Merv is in the not-too-distant future.
E
It's 26 words:
While trying to leave Mexico, a young man enters a world where people are a commodity and selling yourself doesn't guarantee you'll live to see tomorrow.
We used to do pretend plays in front of our parents. Now we have filming and all.
Maybe you could get her to do a book trailer for you.
Hah! I will enjoy reading. :-) I just realized I haven't been asked for a blurb for the last two stories. THANK GOD. They take me as long to craft as the book took to write!
I was watching Margaret Atwood interviews last night, and I was not only amazed at her preparedness with that question, but also the list of talking points she had that went along with her book. I mean, she really nails an interview, bulls-eye, dead center. It's amazing.
Melanie:
That sounds like a MOVIE!!! Awesome.
E
Joe:
LOL! She does special efffects (makes things disappear and all that). Very fun.
E
Jude:
She is going to do one for my Magickeepers site, which should be up next week.
E
Spy:
I will have to check that out. I most definitely need pointers. I actually do all right in print. I think I just freeze up in front of Oprah. ;-)
E
That is exactly why I try to talk at every conference I go to. I spoke five times last year. I hope to almost double that this year. I was a teacher, so I'm comfortable in front of a group, but I'm rusty from too much ass-in-chair.
Ooo, pitch. Hmm.
To defeat the harbingers of the End Times, Godsman Trinidad must ally Wiccans eco-terrorists, godless raiders, and warring factions of a Church facing its greatest internal conflict since 1533.
That's too long, but I don't have time to shorten it. I like these exercises though. I learn so much. Like I'd been operating on the belief that the Church was suffering from one egomaniac bishop. Suddenly "a church facing its greatest internal conflict since 1533" sounds so much cooler! It's what it is, actually; I just didn't see it until I had to put it into so few words. Thanks! :)
And I really like your first pitch, Erica. It sounds very original. Can't wait to get it for my son to read.
Sex Scenes:
I like the sound of yours . . . and that is the perfect example how four little words or a change that appears innocuous in a sense can imbue a pitch with so much more! You have to think about EVERY word in a pitch.
E
Love the rolling eyes and the idea of practicing on film. Sounds like you learned a heck of a lot in that exercise. And your kids are always doing something fascinating.
Unh. 25 word pitch is a bugger. But maybe this will help me as it's a lot easier to remember than a longer one. So I worked on it this morning and have one, but it sounds so much more serious than the book really is. Have to try some more. Here's the current version.
Tommy struggles to learn what the youngest vampires already know, despite the mentor who bloodied his nose and the gang hungry for his half-human blood.
Divorce isn't easy, but it's a piece of cake compared to finding your ex's wife on your doorstep, with suitcases.
Great exercise. I couldn't even listen to an entire 3 minutes of myself on the radio--and my daughter said I didn't sound stupid. I applaud you for watching yourself on video. I'm sure I'd cover my eyes if it was me!
Aspiring writer gets huge contract and throws party for his blogging buddies at BEA, where he is thrown out for outrageous debauchery and nakedness.
As you can see, I'm hoping to write a memoir.
Your children are so talented. I'm eager to see the edited version on your website.
I liked both your pitches. Here's my really short one for my ATV book:
A ghost whisperer thinks men are hard and DEAD PEOPLE are easy.
But Romantic Times judge Leslie Kazanjian said it better on the last round:
"When a sexy, brooding, single dad grudgingly starts falling for the wisecracking spitfire hired to exterminate his annoying ectoplasm, the result sounds like a witty, suspenseful combination of Cold Case and Ghostbusters"
Erica,
Your Oprah and my oldest daughter would have a ball together. I think it's great that you're so supportive of her creativity! Mine takes her video camera everywhere with her, and writes up comedy skits for her friends to act out. (Her voice in the background is usually more amusing than anything going on on-screen though)
She wants to put them online, but I won't let her... people out there scare the hell out of me.
Pitch, pitch, pitch... you know, this is my least favorite part of the process, and therefore, the part I suck most at. I'm getting much better at the one or two paragraph pitch, but narrowing it down to a sentence completely throws me.
For my middle grade, I came up with this:
If Benny Sherman can help a wayward fairy win back his wings, he just might find his own.
For the YA I'm working on now, I've got it narrowed down to a two paragraph pitch, but I can't seem to get it down to a sentence... I'll think one it.
LOL Stephen! I like it!
Oh definitely do! She can sure talk. Listening to her is like reading a really good essay. It's fascinating to me, because I write because I have trouble speaking "organized," LOL. She does not share that affliction!
Great one: Payback
1994 Interview with Charlie Rose
Another Interview
And here's a 3-part interview on religion:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Sarah:
I really like the idea of ahlf-blood. Love the detail of the bloody nose (trciky with vampires around!). If I was going to say add anything . . . it would be his mission or where the whole thing goes or what he's up against . . .
E
Sarah:
I really like the idea of ahlf-blood. Love the detail of the bloody nose (trciky with vampires around!). If I was going to say add anything . . . it would be his mission or where the whole thing goes or what he's up against . . .
E
Erica, when the voice in my head reads my pitch, it sounds like the movie voice-over guy, lol.
The same thing happened with mine as with Sex Scene's - I had to cut ten words and ended up with a better opening. Thanks for the challenge!
Stephen:
I can hardly wait for the debauchery to begin. I think we need a blogging buddies hotel suite so we can all crash on the floor after the festivities.
E
Amy:
Inwardly, I cringed.
E
Edie:
The first one can be your tagline when it's published.
The tagline I got for Spanish Disco when it came out was "A novel about love, publishing and doing the hustle."
Publishers love tag lines. :-)
E
You cringed. I guess I should rewrite. Who buys a book that makes them cringe?
Um, no one.
Amy:
LOL!!! Cringing is never a good sign.
E
Ouch. Filming my pitch? I practiced it over and over, and with different people, before I actually pitched the book at a conference, but filming it? I can see how it would help a ton, though. Must remember that before I have to pitch again.
BTW, I'm wishing I could see the video. Feel like YouTubing it, at least in part? It would be fun!
I'm thinking I need to delve more into this blog to find out how to behave when my book hits the bestseller list.
Caryn:
Maybe if we re-film. I really can't tell you how much I talk with my hands!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sarah:
I love you! I never heard of that blog before. But yeah!!!!
E
I've had an awful time with this short pitch, so give it to me straight:
Murph Wolfson is an Internet rebel and 12-year-old delinquent who never met a rule he could follow—until he is hired by the Toy Maker and sets off to discover the meaning of life ... and the perfect cupcake launcher.
*or*
Murph Wolfson can make a catapult from a mousetrap or a slingshot from a bed sheet, but he just seem can't to follow the rules. So when the 12-year-old runs away to find the one person who might understand him, he ends up discovering the last person he expected: his father.
No pitch - not even warming up in the bull pen. :(
I could have told you you speak with your hands a lot.
Appearance -wise, WE ARE THE SAME PERSON.
Any afflictions I have, you have too.
i.e., our very attractive puffy lip face we do when we fix our hair in the mirror.
Lurker:
Hmm . . . straight?
Second one gives too much away. First one hints at the toymaker but doesn't quite give it enough quirk.
And that's only 'cause I know it.
E
Kath:
Chicken. ;-P
E
Oldest:
Did I tell you how evil you are today, Ms. Puffy Lips?
xoxoxoxox
Mom
So???
Post the interview! We wanna see it!
Puffy lips?
And, yeah, that's been my problem all along ... with synopsis, pitch, everything. It's an unusual book, with a quirky (weird) vibe ... and compressing that into a pitch has been challenging.
I'll keep working.
OK, Erica... here goes:
Can Jenny Sampson - ex-rock and roll princess turned domestic goddess - reignite her rocky marriage and reclaim her musical destiny?
Aimless:
LOL! You have to read the post thread. HONEST TO GOD I got one stalker letter and one marital proposal from a stranger who said he loves my books this week. Anyway, my daughter uses her real name. So we'll have to "fake it up" and retape and show you guys. Her theme song alone is wonderful!
E
P.S. I am a good example of why PSEUDONYMS are a really good idea.
Lurker:
I'll demonstrate next time I'm in Florida. Pammie knows the look.
E
Debbie:
I really like that. I think what we all have to remember--and everyone today showed it so well--is we pitch to our genre. You nail it for the editor/audience who would pick that up--and for that audience it sounds adorable and fun. Nailed it.
E
Thanks, Erica. It's good to know in case I find myself in an elevator with the owner of Random House or "the REAL Oprah"!!
Debra:
Now THAT would be a great "call" story!
:-)
E
Thanks, Erica. This was fun and worthwhile. I'm following your blog now, btw.;-)
Wanting to take on your challenge, I plugged in my flash drives in search of one of my hooks. It was one I used for a workshop on agent meetings, such as those held at RWA conferences, or chapter ones where agents/editors hold appointments. Anyway, I can't find it! But I'll wing it:
"What can a seven-year-old's hero learn from him? How to read and write."
LMAO Erica, about rolling your eyes.
The answer isn't printed on the ceiling. :P
Kath:
That sounds very cool.
E
Zoe:
It's like this sickness. I roll 'em all the time.
E
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