Faith
As the daughter of an atheist, I know how elusive faith can be. You can't force it. You can't argue it into someone's heart. You can have a little faith or a lot of faith, but if you have NO faith, the chasm between none and a little is a far deeper divide than between a little and lots.
So it has been with my summer. For a variety of reasons--the economy (feeding a family of six creatively on less), gas prices (trying to drive less, but there's only so much I can do with that one, especially since my Oldest Daughter chose a college an 11-hour drive from here--and we must get all her crap from Here to There), a looming college tuition bill, personal issues, and so on--things in life have seemed less steady for me than they have in a while. I always toss it up to the universe, "I'm unafraid to work hard." And usually things work out. But it's the FAITH that's been elusive. That still, certain voice that comes to me in the quiet with a serenity and peace. THAT voice . . . well, where the hell has it been?
As an optimist, it's not like I haven't tried to wave some sunny fairy dust over everything, but like forcing faith, it's not a simple thing. And it was only natural it would eventually trickle to the writing.
I turned in two manuscripts this summer. I am delighted with both. And now I'll be tweaking them in rewrites. I feel a huge sense of joy opening the Magickeepers file knowing where it's going to go--from this level to THIS one. But soon I will be in proposal stage. Every writer is in that stage at some point or another, in some fashion of another. I will be in the What's My Next Step stage. In my What Shiny New Idea Holds Promise stage. I may EVEN be in my Maybe I Want to Go Back to University and Do Something Else stage that occasionally breaks through in my life.
I don't know how it is in "real" jobs. But the one or two "real" jobs I had, I went to work, I worked at the same job--even when I got promotions as an editor, I was still editing--I collected my paycheck, I saw the same people, etc. Being a journeyman writer is different. It's always an up and down thing, filled with uncertainty, with periodic pronouncements of doom--NO ONE IS READING, the wise publishing gods say.
It's a profession that requires faith. In your book, in your ideas, in yourself, in some Holy Grail of being published, landing an agent, finishing your novel, selling through, having something that editors want--we're ALL in some way or another riding a wave of faith.
I don't know that everyone feels this way. I don't know that anyone talks about it--at least maybe not in the same terms. But I feel, for me, the only way I survive is by nurturing the still, small voice inside. I sustain it through my blog, through writing friends who "get" the journey, through getting some sleep (AMAZING how much better I feel when that happens). And through waiting for the voice to recover from bouts of ennui. Knowing it must still be there, just resting, waiting for the next Big Thing to excite her.
So there we are today, with my cup of coffee, my Demon Baby yelling at me, and my Ravel playing on my iPod.
Thoughts?
27 comments:
A very important subject for a writer, I think. Maybe it's optimism of some sort, or faith, but I don't know how we can function as writers without it.
I seem to be having the same issues concerning my writing this summer. Part of it was the contract gig I gave up. Leanne asked me if I regretted it and I said, "No, but I regret not having the regular money." The regular money was the only reason I even considered it, but dropping that gig seemed to push me into a really dry patch that's been quite frustrating.
So I really have to push through all the wind and storm and rain telling me I screwed up everything and find the quiet eye in the middle that says everything will be fine, hang in there.
Hi Mark:
I'm doing pretty well in the work/contract department, but the long, LONG time it takes to get approvals and checks means it's a LONG, LONG time to try to juggle. It's a highly stressful career in that sense. And yes, I really don't think I could function at all if I was paralyzed by fear and without any faith. But this summer has been a real challenge for me.
E
Erica, what great timing for a blog! In my current, creative world faith is the only thing in my pocket. I'm without a publisher, and out "there" again. I want to make wise decisions, and hopefully I'll see the road I need to take. The difference this time is, I'm observing my situation without bringing it so deeply inside of me. I know things will work out. I've had a similiar summer as you. It's been a, what-the-hell-just-happened summer for me. Hey, change is good. I'd just like a little notice sometimes. LOL.
ladonna:
LOL! Yes, a little notice would be good. Though on the other hand, knowing change is coming might make me dread it more!
:-)
E
I don't have much to add, but thank you for posting this. As a beginner, I'm filled with doubt and it's comforting to hear you say you have doubts, too. I've heard people say that being published doesn't magically solve your problems, and this puts the writing business in perspective. It's a job that takes work, not a secret society that solves everything upon acceptance. (or is that just what you tell us n00bs?)
Two things I know about God: there is one; it's not me. Beyond that, anytime I have tried to define my higher power, I gave it human failings. So I gave up trying.
As for faith when it comes to financial matters, I have always been taken care of. Checks have appeared out of the blue when I was short of cash. Or I have written to my creditors and asked to pay them a bit differently than they had requested. Some said 'hell no', some said 'pay me next month'. It balanced out.
I had 3 years in a row of over $10K at the vet's office. Not that I could afford that, but I had older babies who needed a lot of care. And somehow, we got through. And I never had to go hungry.
This was a great help for some of that out of the blue cash.
I have a good friend who owns his own software business. And we talked a lot about whether or not he should get a real job. He never did. He's very happy he never did. Sometimes being hungry is a great motivator.
I cannot see the plan for my life. I can only do the footwork. The results are not in my control. (damn it!)
This year has sure tried my faith, especially this summer. I don't have much faith in any particular entity, it's more a faith in the power of faith itself.
Usually teaching has been somewhat stable, but it's been rapidly declining. Just the fact that the piano stores are gone has drastically changed the market. I haven't gotten a call from someone who owns a piano in a year, seriously. The writing is actually more stable for me, at the moment, but not enough to pay the bills, not close. And I need to make more from it; I need to expand, somehow. I'm not crazy about the whole launching my own site and essentially self-publishing, but it seems a more likely moneymaker than trying to write something for NY. My heart isn't in the former and my writing doesn't seem to be doing the latter.
My faith was "it always works out." There's always a voice that tells me which direction to go next; I'm not hearing it at all. I'm open to anything: day job, even. If I could just hear it, I'd go full force in that direction.
Hi Melanie:
Being published, I think, cures some self-doubt. But the PROCESS itself has the same moments of faith and doubt.
E
sarah:
I right now cannot see a plan. I am sure there's one. Just not privy to it at the moment.
E
spy:
I hear you . . . I've read some of your posts lately and know it's been hard. I know it's hard all over. My grocery bills make me queasy!
E
I don't like my "real" job much, but I'm thankful I can do it and that it's fairly recession-proof.
Still waiting on that seven-figure advance. Keeping the faith. :)
My faith has been shaky ever since I started having kids. I don't know how not to be a Catholic, but I rarely go to Mass anymore. I'm too paranoid about the sex scandal and I want to protect my kids.
I'm not homophobic. I know every priest is not a child molester. But I remain leery.
Were we talking about writing?
;-)
Do you use the services of that company that finds out if you got all the royalties you were supposed to? They claim that publisher's accounts are a nightmare. Since they make their money only from a percentage of what they recover and they make a lot of money, I figure they must be right. I've been curious to find someone with first hand experience with that.
Sometimes I wish I knew if decision A or decision B was the right one to make. But if I know what decisions I am to make, how boring would that be? Do I stay with my current job? Do I work on this WIP or that one, or the one over there? Do I go to this conference, that one? Do I send out a light MG fantasy first before pitching the edgy YA again because I write more light MG and that should be my 'career'? Do I go to work today and make good money doing almost nothing because there's so little going on today or do I stay home and make no money and write and be productive?
Life is one decision after the other. Don't make major decisions or don't make any decisions major?
Without faith we wouldn't do what we do. Faith that it will fulfill us, faith that someone will like it, sell it, publish it.
My summer has been rough too - I think it's epidemic.
Oh geez, that's me again. Anonymous. Not. :)
Jude:
That's quite a god (7 figures) you're waiting on. :-)
E
Heather:
Spiritual faith, writing, economic faith . . . it's all part of the same cloth, I think.
E
sarah:
I have never used that service. My agent reviews for discrepancies (last quarter, one statement was off $182, I think, a very small sum). And I do. But mostly, I don't want this sort of . . . I guess I would call it "auditing" service muddying the relationship between my publisher and me . . . that is, it's a healthy relationship and I'm not looking to audit them as if I suspect them of wrongdoing.
E
Amy:
It's been a wearying summer, when usually, I love the relaxed nature of summer.
E
I prefer the word "center" over "faith," but in some sense they mean the same thing. I had lost my center. I have found it again. Thanks for your friendship.
Cowboy
I don't believe in the publishing gods. :P
I hope stuff gets better for you. :)
Hi Zoe:
You know . . . it's not horrid. Just one of those patches in life.
E
Erica, just want to say that part of the process of keeping that voice nutured for me is reading your blog. You manage to be so poignant and yet practical at the same time. Thank you.
Erica, terrific post! My faith must be still strong, because whenever I think of doing something else, a big NO! rises up inside me. For whatever reason, I'm doing what I'm supposed to. I wish it were easier, but it is what it is. I'm not turning back.
Michelle:
Thanks so much!!!
E
edie:
Good for you! Keep listening to that strong inner voice.
E
Faith is the only thing I've got that's truly on my side in this business. That's why I protect it with everything I've got. If anyone comes after it, I'm out of there so fast you'll get whiplash trying to keep track of me. I've spent years building up a huge wall around my faith, so I'm not about to let anyone tear it down.
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