Maturity
When Oldest Daughter was about 13, she went through an Eminem phase. The noncensored lyrics. One day, she asked me if that bothered me. I said, "No. That's what music is SUPPOSED to do in your teen years. Piss off your parents." Because rock 'n' roll has always been about rebellion. You are SUPPOSED to go through a period when you dress in a way to annoy your parents. Talk in a way that annoys them. Listen to music in a way that annoys them. Dye your hair. Pierce your nose. Whatever. For my kids, I'm so far left of center, they will have to become right-wingers to rebel, but that's another story. And thankfully, no signs of that little rebellion yet.
Anyway . . . then we grow up. We make choices less about rebellion and more about who we really are.
So it is with writing. Over and over, I hear from writers who get feedback from all over the map. Someone loves the main character; someone hates the main character. They enter contests and find no two judges agree on anything. They submit and find no two agents agree.
And then the writers face a predicament. What to do?
And that's where maturity comes in. I wish I could tell writers who ask me about this problem what to do. But I only know some things you shouldn't do. Angrily dismiss any advice out of hand. (Because mom and dad are ALWAYS wrong.) Be oversensitive to criticism. (Because no one UNDERSTANDS me!) Change everything. (If your friends told you to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you do that, too?)
It's maturity. Honed by experience. You find that inner voice gets stronger the more mature a writer you are. The more you can judge that yes, there's validity in the criticism--but no, suggestion X won't work.
I just got some minor edits back from my editor for Magickeepers. The red ink was to a minimum--but every single addition was a gem. I can appreciate it all. Guess I'm a grown-up after all.
Thoughts? How do you find that internal voice of your own has matured over time?
28 comments:
You never know who you are going to get for first and second round judges. I stopped entering contests after receiving perfect scores AND really unperfect scores. I took what I could from the criticism, but it was hard to do when the opinions were so varied.
My crit group (there are five of us) appears to be closer in mind and tastes. I trust that they get my voice. You just never know who you are going to get for a judge when you enter a contest.
I think the key in that maturity is taking it all in and sifting through to find what might actually be good advice, and not taking the harsh words, or the glowing ones, to heart.
I also think that maturity comes into play when we realize that not everyone is equipped to give us what we need in terms of feedback. Sometimes we're starved for words to be fed back to us on our work, so we throw it out and see what sticks (you know, like spaghetti) - and it ends up being too much. With maturity we learn to trust ourselves more than *almost* anyone else.
Regarding what Heather said about people of like minds, sometimes I try to have an outsider look at my work and am always disappointed. If it isn't someone who would read my book as a reader or sell it as an agent, they aren't going to like it. It happened today actually, someone who didn't get it - and that's a comment I rarely see.
I think that my maturity kicked into gear when I took a deep breath and thanked him for his time instead of freaking out and eating chocolate and deciding I should throw away my manuscript.
Although chocolate is never a bad thing.
Erica, I love you. You have boiled it down to the perfect analogy: teens - new writers.
I've struggled over the past months. Do I want to pursue fiction, or perhaps poetry (I'm Billy Collin's lost first love). Each and every time I have felt that no one understood me, I read a blog like yours which validates that I'm doing just fine.
Thanks for always keeping it real. And if your children are going to the right, I'm concerned:)
(especially after last night's debate - OY! Grandpa Munster needs to talk about something other than himself.)
You've been okay? I was worried! I guess music took care of this issue. I can't even think of a single time I even disagreed with a teacher's criticism, let alone rebelled.
A problem, definitely. I'm far too impressionable. I just listened to one of my recitals awhile back, and my first thought was my Beethoven had no "voice."
(I can only understand one thing in context with another. I understand writing through music, and music through writing. Too bad I hadn't been writing years ago!)
Hi Heather:
Contests, as one who has judged 'em, always seem like a crap shoot to me.
E
Amy:
Your response to him was very "zen"--another lesson I've learned.
E
kath:
As a mom of four, I've heard it all.
LOL on Grandpa Munster!!!!!!!
And no, mine are as liberal as mom right now.
E
spy:
Beethoven with no "voice." Wow . . . really neat analogy!!
E
I think the first big step is that you become open to feedback. And then you actually listen to it. Also, trusting your gut and notneeding everything to happen right this second. Basically, you grow some patience. Knowing when to stand your ground even when you worry how things might turn out. To me this is closely tie into trusting yourself.
melissa:
I think you are dead on there.
E
hmmm. I find that I'm so counterculture in so many things I do that people assume I'm "rebelling" when I'm just being me. I think it's important to separate out one's motivations for something. i.e. are you doing it "to be different" or "to piss people off" or because it reflects who you genuinely are and what you genuinely like/want/think. etc.
I'm sure in many different areas of my life I could make very different decisions and gain social approval as being "mature" but the truth is, I would be being very immature because I wouldn't be making any of my own life decisions.
I thought this was an excellent post. It kind of fit me completely because that is exactly what happened when I was dealing with one agent's comments versus anothers. And I have found a match with an agent who gave me lots of great feedback and actually trusts me. Wow! I do feel kind of mature!
Interesting post as I have just been editing my third book and found that although my editor was right (in my book) 85% of the time, I disagreed with her edits the other 15%. I think sometimes they get pet hates like the verb 'to be' or the word 'as' and that overshadows their judgement as to whether something flows or not. So it's necessary not to blindly accept all their changes in line edits. They are fallible too. But as far as commas are concerned, I will take their word for it every time. I didn't know one sentence could have so many commas.
I'm in my early twenties.
zoe:
Well, that's why I wrote it as I did, because the internal comments ("Mom and dad are always wrong") I hoped showed the false thinking that can get in the way.
Put it this way. Being really honest is the only way I think to view this post. When I was 20, I often acted in ways I knew would irritate establishment people because I thought they needed someone to act that way and make them think. That is the HEIGHT of arrogance. No one needs me to do any thinking for them. No one needs me to challenge them. From a Buddhist perspective, it's wrong-thinking across the board. I don't know what's in anyone's mind--truly. And the role to "shake people up" is not mine. Now, when I do thinks that seem off-kilter, it's because that IS who I really am and I don't particularly care what others think. I am perfectly cool with being weird. How others take me is their own concern. I know there are people--in my own extended family--who think I am a HORRIBLE mother because I am too much a free spirit. In fact, I don't think any member of my family has ever said I was a good mother. And that's fine. They aren't raising my kids, I am. But the only way to know if someone is being counter-cultural for the sake of being rebellious . . . is their own internal barometer, of which I have no access to.
E
hi ello:
How wonderful! I would say I agree with my agent most of the time. And sometimes, his feedback is dead-on ("This isn't working") even if I eventually think it's for a different REASON. I.e., he may say, "I thought the beginning was too cluttered with names and people and I felt it was confusing." I tend to initially feel like "WTF, can't you keep it all straight?" But then, over time, I realized it was back story dumping, and damn if he wasn't right in his gut instinct. I needed to start at the action.
E
Suzanne:
I think 85/15 is an awesome editorial split.
E
Jude:
Sure you are, pal. Sure you are.
E
They think you're a horrible mother? Have your kids ever done anything so bad that someone had to call the police or social workers in?
The hardest thing I ever had to do as a parent was look at my role models and realize that there was a better way to raise children. The second hardest was to endure their criticism as they predicted my kids would turn out "bad." My kids are good and I opened the door for at least one of my siblings to see another way to raise kids.
I'm like Magnum, PI, I've got that little voice that I have to listen to, because it's smarter and more mature than I am. It sometimes gets confused with the pissy teenage voice that reacts to everything, but there's a little voice that knows what's good and I have to learn to listen for it. Unfortunately, it tends to whisper.
Everytime I ever followed my gut instincts I was happy with the result. Everytime I didn't, I wasn't.
Erica, very good points!
One thing I think I struggle with is that line between: "explaining myself for informative purposes" and "coverting" lol.
I really hope that I don't come off as trying to convert people to any one thing in any area of my life. I respect the personal autonomy of other people and that "my way" of doing something isn't "the way."
Everybody has to find their own path in life. It's important to me to facilitate thinking things through whenever possible. But if they've done that work, and decided to do things a different way than me, then I fully support it.
My issue is when people are sheep and do what everybody else tells them to, instead of ever working something out for themselves. But I know that's something I have to learn to let go of too, and that will come with further maturity.
Because I really want to get to that place where I'm totally low key about it, where I'll share with others who are interested in hearing something a little different, but I won't in any way push anyone.
Having a very strong, outspoken personality sometimes means I have to really reign it in. And it's a big learning curve for me.
Mark:
I always loved that Magnum!
E
stephen:
Wise advice!
E
Hi Zoe:
I totally hear you . . . Like I said, I meant the post more as an internal thing. Only the writer knows the actual internal reaction to any bit of advice or criticism.
E
Hi Richmond:
I have come to realize, at least for me, mothering is an intuitive act of grace and love without any real sense of there's ONE right way (unless talking about abuse or something like that). Most all of us do the best we can with the tools we're given. My one relative who thinks I'm a flake . . . well, you know . . . that's fine. I would never parent is that person's method either.
E
hahaha yeah, Erica, I know. I know you weren't poking your finger at me going: "Zoe...you immature thing, you!" muahahahaha. ;)
zoe:
Nope, sweetie. Wouldn't do that.
:-)
E
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