World Series Time--Your Pitch
It's that time, blog friends, when a woman's heart turns from the boys of summer to the play-offs of fall, to the World Series . . . if the baseball gods have smiled upon her beloved team. And this year, sports fans, they have.
So in honor of the World Series . . . today . . . the Pitch! And yes, you shall all suffer through a baseball-themed series of blog posts.
I am often, amused by writers who feel "the writing is enough" and don't have a pitch down pat or a hook of any particular sort. The writing can most definitely be enough for literary fiction, but I don't believe I have ever engaged in that particular conversation with anyone writing literary fiction.
I think the agents and editors are sometimes viewed as the Enemy Team (in this case, the Phillies!). Some writers see them as gatekeepers holding back scores of talented writers from seeing the light of day. Instead, I think it would be helpful to view them as your readers and the pitch as the state of the modern decision.
Genius has blogged about Readers' Requirements (scroll down to 10/19). I have blogged about time constraints on readers. And entertainment choices. And while many of of book lovers adore nothing more than aimlessly wandering through stacks of glorious books . . . in the end, when I make a DECISION to purchase, it's a gut thing. Does the book grab me? Yes, what grabs me may not be what grabs you. Someone may be more patient. Someone may want sci-fi or a certain genre. I get all that, but it has to GRAB me. Intrigue me. Tantalize me. And then not let go if I'm to recommend it to anyone else. Basically, you better have your fast ball ready at 100+ miles per hour.
I think agents and editors get that--to quote Fergie--BOOM, BOOM, POW . . . you have got to have a hook that not only gets NY paying attention, but then . . . trickle down . . . they can MARKET. They can design a cover for. They can write edgy back cover copy for. That people GET it. Get it . . . standing in a book store and making a decision in under 30 seconds.
So you have . . . and I'm making it tough today . . . 45 words or less. Your concept.
Your pitch . . . and yes, here's the wind-up.
Don't make me go back to the bullpen.
Batter up?
61 comments:
Nathan Bransford has a good post up in which he concludes, "Mainstream literary fiction is increasingly found at the intersection of quality and accessibility."
Stephen:
I like that a lot. I really like Ha Jin--I find his books beautifully written but utterly accessible.
E
I hope this is like your boot camp (hint hint) because I could really use help with this from someone like you! :-) While I'm confident I can write 300 pages, 45 words is another story.
In The Glass House, Evie takes in her ex-husband’s young widow and tries to redefine family in a town full of nosy neighbors. Just when she thinks she’s on the right track, suburban secrets erupt, and Evie must start from scratch – all over again.
Amy:
Yes . . . I am playing Coach today. LOL!
OK . . . like the title. But I'd give you a few more words to make you get rid of "on the right track"--you're not pitching what's special about Evie . . . why she's lost and needs to get on the right track and so on. In short, I know your premise--and it's a good one, but I think something like "on the right track" says . . . nada. That's the thing with the pitch--making every word count. Can you grab us with a word or two on WHO Evie is? Why your book is special?
E
Okay, without spending an hour on this, this was my second shot at this. If I were pitching an agent or editor on it I'd tinker with it more, but here goes, the working title is Dressed To Kill.
Texas-based true crime writer Parker Marks believes that a recent murder in Detroit is the sixth committed by a serial killer. Marks has been hunting the killer ever since the first victim, his brother Jimmy Marks, was found slashed to death in Austin, Texas.
Mark:
I like it. I love the idea of a true crime writer getting involved with a case.
One word I might add? Ws there something special about his brother (guitarist, college student, something?)? It would make it more personal even for the pitch.
Probably the key element is that all six murders appear to be gay killings. And Parker insists his brother wasn't gay (nor were any of the other victims). Getting that into a 45-word pitch might be tricky, but it's a worthwhile point. Thanks.
Invasion of the Body Snatchers meets Dirty Harry when an urban detective turned small-town cop teams up with an Elvis impersonator to battle three elderly men whose minds have been infected by murderous entities determined to obtain “the fuel” that makes them feel young again.
Jude,
Or "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" meets "Dirty Harry" meets "Cocoon."
Cocoon would be good, except it's not violent and horrifying enough.
Brain is coffee deprived and not functioning.
In one run-on sentence:
The Great Depression, Shenandoah National Park, eminent domain and one family's struggle to survive.
Which of course doesn't tell you anything about who the characters are. It's merely scene setting. Coffee maker quit and I've got to go shopping.
OK, I'm in ...
All Flynn Rose ever wanted was to leave his island—until he did. Caught in a war between dragons and men, Flynn must learn to control his lightning to survive the Gauntlet and become the creature he was destined to be.
Jude,
I've liked the chapters you showed so far as part of the story prompts ... so I hope this comment comes across in that spirit. From your quick pitch, I might think the book was comedy (or at least camp). It was the Elvis impersonator that did me in, followed by the non-scary prospect of elderly men feeling young again. I know you want me to be scared, so give me something frightening.
Good points, Jon.
You would think having a finished story, synopsis and query under your belt would make a 45-word pitch easy--NOT!
Middle-Grade Fantasy
Who knew garden gnomes were real? Certainly not Rhee Webber. But when Rory Leafhopper goes missing, summer vacation in boring Nowheresville, Oklahoma just got a lot more interesting.
Okay, it's less than 45 words, but does it get the point across??
Erica-- I am a long time Phillies fan. I hope you don't hold it against me! My Middle Grade fanstasy's working title is Fallen Star.
When a thirteen-year-old boy has no one left to turn to, and a Star just won't accept her place in the universe, two worlds collide with a big bang.
Mark:
I use 45 words as a leap-off point. I think getting in a detail like that is awesome. But of course, we have the rest of the world series to expand. We all have to get to first base.
:-)
E
Jude:
I'm glad I read Jon's comment, because it really doesn't do it as a horror pitch, I don't think, so I pretty much echo his sentiment.
I also--and I know some experts would disagree . . . camps go both ways on this--do not feel you do yourself a service at all by comparing your work to hugely well-known other works. I would expect Dirty Harry and Body Snatchers . . . and if in ANY way you did not deliver . . . I'd toss the project aside. That's the risk. It's like someone comparing themselves to Steinbeck, Hemingway . . . you have to be insane to. Unless you've got the goods, and even THEN . . . you've set such a high bar. While I liked what you wrote at Jon's prompts a bit . . . what you posted on your blog didn't scare me in any way. And I guess it's because it's just an excerpt. But I know when I read an excerpt from Konrath . . . I was too creeped to finish. So I would just watch what you set up for expectations.
E
Hi Richmond:
Pull it into an active sentence and you're back at the plate.
:-)
Lurker:
I adore your book. I think it's one of the most extraordinary bits of writing I've ever been privileged to see in draft form.
That said, I would use an extra word or two to tell me more flavor. Because the book has a distinct mood and voice and I'd love to see more of that in the elevator pitch.
magolla:
I love it! I would say about the only thing to add is her age. Ground it for me within your genre. Maybe tell me one or two more facts about her.
Heather:
Sigh . . . happy sigh. Really nice. I LOVE the "no one left to turn to" because in a few words it tells us volumes.
I won't hold the Phillies thing against you. ;-)
E
Thanks, Erica. I'll work on it.
This is already helpful! I'm working on mine now...
Magolla, I love yours! Lurker, yours sounds so cool, and with Erica's glowing praise I definitely want to read it!
In the midst of a crusade, a Wiccan and a Christian soldier join forces to stop an emotionally unstable Bishop from setting off the Apocalypse.
Rough and not happy with the structure, but it's the gist of the story.
Starbucks:
About the one thing I might change . . . .
"emotionally unstable" can be benign (not healthy . . . but benign). So if he is menacing, delusional, paranoid, evil . . . if he is truly a villain . . . then I would change the wording. Even "setting off the Apocalype"--because of the benign word choice, it could sound almost accidental, unintentional.
But like the joined forces . . . and certainly (!!) intriguing!
Yeah, I agree. Needs more specific word choices. Thanks!
Of Unknown Origin: An urban detective turned small-town cop teams up with a murder suspect to battle three elderly men who have discovered a fountain of youth fueled by pain and death.
Jude:
Still not doing it, I don't think. You have the hurdle of "battling" elderly men who don't invoke "horror" in anyone. I mean, I don't read horror, generally . . . but I have to say that I think the premise (admittedly, I only know bits of what you posted) is going to be tricky to overcome. Little gnat-like things aren't scary . . . And I think (again . . . it boils down to attracting interest) it's hard to boil it down to something that sounds scary. It sounds campy . . .
But again, it's not a genre I seek out.
E
Batting lefty this time:
Just as Evie finds her footing as a divorced mom in a very married suburb, her ex-husband is killed in a car accident. Now she’s not just a single parent, she’s the only parent. So when the ex’s young widow arrives on Evie’s doorstep with a baby on her hip, suitcase in hand, offering to help, Evie takes her up on her offer. As Evie redefines family in a town full of nosy neighbors, she uncovers secrets that change the way she sees her friends, her family and most of all, herself.
Amy:
Somewhere between that version (right for a query) and the elevator pitch you first did is your actual pitch.
Oddly enough, though it can seem like hair-splitting, I've pitched before in person in NY . . . and it very much helped me to have a one- to two-sentence "speakable" pitch. That was my leaping-off point . . . and then I got to tell the story.
E
Getting to first base with Erica. Hmm....
Mark:
Well, better you guys than some stranger in Sicily. ;-)
E
This is my one sentence wind-up for my book--about 33 words.
PLACEMENT is a story about a bright but angry fifteen year-old boy stuck in two systems—special education and social services—and his quest to rise out of both of them.
Paul:
Sounds noble . . . about the only thing I would do (though I know you already have an agent) is personalize it. "is about bright but angry Joe Smith, an abandoned 15-year-old placed in . . . blah, blah . . . both of them." I.e., trying to constantly make the connection in your entire pitch/query/etc. to make your character memorable.
E
Little gnat-like things aren't scary . . .
Clearly you don't live in a house infested with ticks.
Yes, I'm still working on mine.
I'm not loving this & it's four words over, so I can't wait to hear what you have to say.
After the Fall -- Women's Fiction
When Greg Vandenberg accidentally kills a masked intruder, the community calls him a hero for protecting his family. But the intruder is revealed as his best friend and neighbor and the families find themselves on opposite sides of the tragedy, both struggling to understand what drove him to attack.
Melanie:
I think it's compelling, I really do, and I told you (I think) it sounds relevant, like a Jodi Picault book. I would say my only question is why you chose the word "attack"--because it sounds like he accidentally killed a home intruder. But your word choice makes me have big questions . . . however, because I don't know the story, it was more of a "huh?" on the word choice than an understanding. If that makes sense.
But really cool idea, Melanie.
E
I thought the 'attack' in Melanie's last line was in reference to the friend who broke in - but maybe I read it wrong?
If that's it, I would clarify the 'him', maybe by including the friend's name? But I love the idea. Also loved Paul's, it definitely sounds like something I'd read... actually it's in the same genre of YA I'm writing it :-)
Haven't gotten my pitch narrowed down yet, but I'm enjoying reading through these.
Oh, and "Go, Yankees!" (what the hell, it's not like I'll ever get to root for the Cubs in one of these)
I hear you, Erica. What's scary and not scary, though, really depends on the treatment. I think most people fear a loss of control, and that's one of the main things I'm playing on. A little gnat-like thing isn't scary until it crawls into your ear, bores into your brain, and starts causing you to do things you wouldn't ordinarily do. Like suck peoples' eyeballs out of their sockets. Then maybe it's scary. Again, depending on the treatment.
Jude:
I hear you. But I have been terrified by virus movies (28 Days Later was it?). Well-done movies of brain trauma of that type can scare the pants off people. I think when you had the gnats "talking" (even if it was in his brain) . . . it was more comic than scary to me. TOO much reveal of the horror is as bad as not enough, I think (hence so many people ended up thinking Blair Witch was a big so what at the end). It's a tricky thing, and obviously it's all in the execution.
For purposes here (which is my main blog point today), it boils down to do you even get a read? Can you make your concept work so that it is intriguing, horrifying, sounds fresh, and so on. If it was a women's fiction piece or a mystery piece, or whatever . . . it will boil down always to grabbing the reader, not having them able to let go, and having an editor feel like the premise has promise enough to make them spend their time with it.
Your original pitch . . . didn't go the "I want to scare the crap out of people" route, and I don't think the next try did either. But like I said, that's me. This is about concept. Can you get the concept to work (because the concept has to trickle down--sell concept to agent, sell to editor, sell to marketing, sell to public). Battling old men doesn't invoke "scare" in me.
Though maybe if they took their false teeth out I might be spooked.
;-)
Merry:
Maybe that's what I'm hung up on in Melanie's.
GO YANKS! Condolances . . . yet again . . . on the Cubs.
Thanks Erica. The one person who has read it so far said it read a lot like Picoult (or words to that effect).
Merry has it -- "attack" refers to the intruder. I was worried about the multiple "hims" but wasn't sure the best way around it.
Do you think including the attacker's name would clarify things? The main reason I didn't is the book has three POVs -- the father who kills the man, the daughter who was being attacked, and the widow -- and including a different person's name seemed ... off somehow.
btw, I'm also a Cubs fan. :)
Aw, thank you, Melanie! You are more than welcome to read it--if you have time. Too bad I was only able to get two agents out of, oh, forty-five interested in even a partial.
Jude: 'But, Capt'n, he poot creatures in our boodies!'
Hope I did the Scotty accent justice--I still get creeped out by that part of the movie! *shivers*
Hi Melanie:
So it's what drove the INTRUDER to attack?
Because the way it's worded now, there IS no attack (i.e., it's an intruder, which does not automatically mean an attacker). Maybe in the first sentence "an intruder attacking his wife"--and then a little more clarity at the end (versus adding names in such a short span).
E
Oooh, I'm working on mine now.
Can I interject here?
Melanie, I don't know this story or how you wrote it, but the thing that grabbed me in the gut when you told me about it, was the whole Romeo and Juliet with the romance between the children of the murdered and murderer.
Erica, the intruder is attacking the teenage daughter when the father busts in and fights him off. And as Natasha mentioned, one aspect is the daughter that is attacked (almost raped) had just started dating the attacker's son when it happened.
I like that fix for clarifying who's who.
I hesitate mentioning it in the pitch, though, because the relationship isn't revealed until almost 60 pages in and is meant to be a bit of a surprise. Or does that not matter for a pitch?
Gah, I inserted para 2 in the wrong place. I'm referring to Erica saying not to include the add'l name.
Melanie:
Basically, I think there's fine-tuning a pitch to grab someone. And that's fine to have a "reveal." If someone requested it, it would be in the synopsis anyway. I think of my pitches as a tagline. Then, if the editor says, "Ohhh, that sounds interesting, tell me about it . . . " I have my opening. :-)
E
Please don't kill me. I can't decide which I prefer, so I've written a pitch from each POV:
When Greg Vandenberg kills a masked intruder who's attacking his daughter, the community calls him a hero. But the intruder is revealed as his best friend and neighbor and the two families find themselves on opposite sides of the tragedy, both struggling to understand what drove the man to attack.
*****
Becca Vandenberg wakes up to find a masked man trying to rape her, and is saved when her father kills the man. But the intruder is revealed as her neighbor and father of the boy know one knows she's dating, and she fears their secret may have driven the man to attack.
*****
When Carol Stevens hears that her husband had "an accident" at the neighbor's house, she assumes he died of natural causes. But he was killed while trying to rape their friend's daughter, and now she's the only one left to protect her children from a community hellbent on crucifying their father's memory.
Kali is a runt in a long, proud line of villians. In a desperate attempt to force her power to manifest, they thrust her into battle with a group of weakened superheroes. What they don't expect is for her to become a hero—for the wrong side.
I'm still struggling with this, both the pitch and where I'm going with the story. (This is the one I'm doing for NaNo.) First, with the pitch, is it unclear that the wrong side is actually on the side of good instead of evil? Second, I'm struggling between writing this as YA or writing it dark with some yummy sex thrown in, LOL. The pitch sounds like YA. Grr! This is so hard!
OK, well since Melanie batted three times in one comment and since Erica is watching the Yankees right now, I'll add what I worked on today before my wireless router decided to take a break from reality that took me two hours to fix.
Just as Evie finds her footing as a divorced mom, her ex-husband is killed in a car accident. When Nicole, the ex’s widow, threatens to leave their small suburb with her baby, Evie takes them into her home. Her kids are not going to lose anyone else – not if she can help it. But as Evie redefines the meaning of family – under her own roof and in a town full of nosy neighbors -- she uncovers secrets that change everything. Again.
Ooh Amy, I like that. The only thing this version makes me wonder is why this other woman is important to the kids. After I thought about it it made sense, but maybe it should be mentioned that it's their step-mother. (Personally I have no relationship with & don't even call my real dad's wife my step-mother).
Also, you are CRACKING me up with your baseball references. :) Esp batting lefty.
Natasha, I already told you that I like yours!
Holy crap, Melanie, can I read that when you're done?
I like the first one best, but there's something clunky in the end: "...both struggling to understand what drove the man to attack."
I'm wondering if it would be as powerful if you reworded or cut it altogether.
I totally love reading these pitches. You all are awesome for putting them out there.
The Center of the Universe:
You are a twenty-four-year old slightly dim man in search of a conspiracy that will define your life. You will find love, religion, international terrorists, and a chicken. But you may also find the center of the universe. Good luck.
Melanie:
I would go omniscient. "A community is torn apart when . . . ."
(It's early . . . you could better, but you know what I mean.)
Natasha:
I am VERY intrigued. And I like it as a YA--but since you write erotic . . . maybe this could bridge pseudonym to NY?
Amy:
The "again" make that really work. It pulls you in as to wondering what those secrets are.
E
Alex:
You KNOW I am a fan. :-)
E
Erica, that's a good idea, thanks. I don't know why I didn't think of that.
Thanks Merry. :)
I'm a little late to the party on this one - just getting caught up.
Here's my pitch:
When her father doesn’t believe her claims of hearing footsteps, images appearing on walls, doors locking themselves, or the feeling of someone or something watching her, sixteen-year-old Kayla Williams fears she is starting to lose her mind or worse, lose trust in the only family she has left.
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